Dhrutharasthra

                    
I grew up listening to mahabharata from my grand mother and at those times i could only relate to bheem or krishna. I never liked the duryodhan or the karan and pretty much picturized their characters as black without any other shades. In college days, i had the good fortune of reading the prayopavesham scene where duryodhan decides to end his life since panchali laughed at him and how shakuni and the rest try to divert his mind. This helped me to see outside of the blackness in their characters and probably provided me a glimpse into the humanness of their characters. I felt, alright, they too are like me, they are human and they are swayed by emotions. There are probably many such instances where i made a zillion mistakes inspite of knowing what is right and yet i was helpless in doing the right thing and so i could relate to them. However, i was never able to relate to dhrutharasthra and i always felt he was the reason for the war and probably he could have avoided it, if only he had put his foot down for his child's hankering.

As thoughts wander and i have reached a stage in life where i might become a father in the next few years i have started to delve into how dhritharastra would have felt and how he succumbed to his blind folded love for his kids. It was not his physical blindness but his mental blindness to his kids short comings and his inability to correct them was the reason for the destruction of the entire kuru lineage. Probably dhritharastra should serve as a lesson to any father on how to not let your love consume you and deviate you from the path of dharm. I'll try to scribble my thoughts down here and hopefully you can  make some sense out of it.

Dhritharasthra was blind from birth and this came in the way of him becoming the king and hence the kingdom was ruled by his 'younger' brother. This sense of shame and humiliation pained him, but destiny had other plans for him. His brother had to accede the throne and he was made king instead. This must have roused his ambitions again and probably he would have told himself that he would never let this happen to his own kids. A simple thought, but in the context of everything that had happened, this was a poisonous seed that brought down the hastinapur down.

A lot of us think in the same way that our kids should not go through what we did or that we should not make them suffer. There is nothing wrong in that but how we convey this to them or how we handle ourselves when they are subjected to suffering and most importantly what we impart to them at the time of suffering alters their life. It is a known fact that kids try to emulate their parents and if the parents don't set a good example, they are either left onto their own or worse that they try to follow the parents. Duryodhan should have seen his father worrying about his kingdom and his own insecurities at this brother and he must have imbibed it. Of course, it is not always that kids try to their parents blindly as can be observed in the case of prahlad, who veered away from the path of destruction since his childhood, but most of the vulnerable ones do and hence the parents should try to set a good example for their kids and this has to come from within since you cannot be an actor all the time. I don't want to give the impression that you have to be a walking self-help book in front of the kid, but has to be an inner transformation. We are all human but if we were to become a better version of what we previously were is what makes the kid to look up to.

Secondly, dhrutharasthra always compared his kids to his brothers kids. They might look as seemingly innocent but he was always afraid that if his kid was not stronger then the same thing that happened to him. Another seemingly harmless act, but the impression that lasted on duryodhan has been everlasting. All his life, duryodhan wanted to aggressive and assertive about his ambitions and in the process he harbored hatred and ill will towards his cousins. The hatred grew upon itself and in the end led to his own destruction. A lesson for all parents is to give up that inherent need for your kid to be better than the rest. Your kid doesn't have to be the BEST kid on the block either in studies or sports or in manners. As a parent, you should not try to let your own in securites onto the kid. This doesn't mean you let them have their way but it should be about not putting any pressure on them to do certain things or act in a certain behavior. As a parent, remember that you will NOT always be next to the kid and this means that they need to learn what is good v/s what is bad and a parent should be a guide who teaches them through their actions or advise about the right choices and then give them the freedom to act upon their own. This will pain you if the kids don't act as you wish them to be, but in the long run, they are well equipped to handle themselves.

Thirdly, dhrutharastra didn't put his foot down when he had to. This is quite contrary to what i wrote in the above para, but this is what life is all about. The ability to take conflicting advise and apply it as necessary. When duryodhan insisted that he wanted to go war with pandavas or when he wanted to uncloth draupadi, dhrustharastra should have followed dharma. Even if he lost the difference between right and wrong, he was aptly remonstrated by the virtuous vidhura and the almighty krishna. Probably, this is a great piece of advise for anyone of us, to be able to make dharma (righteousness) as the anchor of our lives. There will be times when we will be distracted by jealously, greed or ambition but evaluating each choice or action based on dharma is what will give us the ability to be not swayed away like dhritharasthra. Once dharma shows us the way, we need to have the courage and the mental strength to not let be blindfolded by love and do the right thing. Even though it pains your own, it is for their own good in the long run. Just like a kid who refuses to take the bitter medicine and cries incessantly, we may need to act tough for their own good.

Dhritharastra's life should serve as an example for any parent to never abandon the path of righteousness for your loved ones lest in the end you are left alone to remind you of your misgivings.

Thoughts on case for india

I somehow picked up the case for india book and read it in 2 days. I personally never imagined that a documentary style book would be to my liking but it touched me and made me go through it at a rapid pace. What are my thoughts? Let me quickly try to put it down:

The first thought was oh, my god, the british were so cruel. I had a brief glimpse of this in my history books but not in such a systematic, detailed fashion. I wonder why my school books which covered every thing from egyptian civilization to the french revolution leave out such an important chapter of our history? Why not cover in detail about how the english men slowly conquered our country by dividing us and by creating communal barriers amidst us? Why not tell us in detail about how they made our ancestors fight between themselves and how they suppressed us after they won over us? We read about raja ram mohan rai fighting against sati, we read about bramho samaj, arya samaj but never about the stories that compelled them to do so. We never read about how the british butchered my ancestors, about how they were not exactly the pioneers of a modern india and how they tried to block this great, ancient nation from recovery on every step. Our history talks briefly about 1857 and then jumps straight to mahatma gandhi without giving some of the great revolutionaries their due. In my mind, i would remove everything about french and russian revolutions, but fill our books about bhagat singh, raja ram mohan rai and may be have an indepth analysis of how the british arrived in late 1700's and slowly conquered the entire country.

Second thought was around the in depth character analysis of gandhi. From my childhood, we almost never seemed to delve into why gandhi would do this? Gandhi was made something of a caricature where he knew what he wanted to do and that he was above us. But in reality, he was more like you and me and probably that will give us more hope that we can someday with our dedication and patience emulate him. I liked the stance that gandhi took when he quit the non co-operation movement because the people were not ready for it and his stance on untouchability inspite of it being an unpopular subject was worth applauding. The sad part is that the party that claims to be based on his ideals seemed to have 'lost it' and is probably following the britishers based on its policy of divide and rule as well as its penchant for "psuedo secularism"....i wonder which party gandhi would have endorsed if he saw the sorry state of affairs in our country at this point?

Finally, i want to talk about the belief of gandhi in a righteous life and how that would eventually overcome the evil...we heard about it in ramayana, mahabharata and recently in the christians overthrowing the romans, but probably india achieving freedom through non violence and ahimsa is an example that is hard to ignore. Is this what we are taught from gandhi's life? To be able to live a righteous life today and not worry about what will happen tomorrow? To be able to embrace defeat through righteous means rather than accept victory through immoral deeds? Will i be able to remember these or will i forget them?

The crucifixion (part 1)

People of jerusalem shouted the roman chancellor. He had no other go but to stomp his authority on the massively turned out croud through his vocal chords and nothing else. The massive crowd which was busy in discussing rumors and talking mundane things suddenly turned out silent. The crowd is good at anticipating important events and today was no different. They were not sure if they could change it, so they decided to take the next best course, which was to witness it. The roman chancellor was nervous himself, but he tried his best to hide that through his sullen face. He quietly observed the crowd since silence creates tension and fear in the room, and he knew that if there was one day where the romans needed to induce the fear in these lowly jews, it was today. Not that the jews were not afraid of romans any other day, but today he needed it more than ever, since it would make or break his career in rome. Jerusalem was by no means a reward for someone's capabilities, but it was more of a punishment zone and he certainly didn't want to live in this scum of a place when he could nicely be settling down in the finesse of rome.

Chancellor was not a bad man. He was a fine, learned gentleman and he was simply following the norms of the society in which he was brought up. Every culture on this planet tries to put down other cultures and nations more than it tries to put its own culture up. Romans were no different and hence they were taught that they were the 'civilized' ones and the rest were barbarians. They were also taught that roman were born to rule the world and show it the right way whereas others were there to 'serve' them. Chancellor also was brought up with this feelings and even if he had other ideas, what could he do? He was not the emperor of rome to reform and hence he decided not to trouble himself much with the questions of morality. But, no matter, how hard he tried, his conscience was troubling him about the decision he had to make today. How could he possibly kill this jew for no apparent reason? Not that the chancellor had never ordered jews to be killed, but somehow, this one guy was different. He did not see fear in his eyes when the words 'kill him' were uttered. He did not see the anger or the loud, pompous words that were uttered by the revolutionaries who were caught for treason. Instead, he saw contentment and peace in his eyes. He stood there standing with no slight movement as if he knew that it was bound to happen. He paid no attention to what others were saying about him as well as paid no attention to who were saying it. He did not show the slightest hint that he was afraid of death. This troubled the chancellor as he had never come across such a man, not even in rome. Besides, there was a crazy cult that followed him and believed him to be their messiah, their delivery boy who will free them from the clutches of the evil empire and make them rule all over the world. The chancellor had heard so many crazy stories in his rich life as well as in his sojourns around the world, but this topped the list. The jews who had no military stratagem were destined to conquer the mighty, roman army with this crazy messiah as their lead. Nah, this is some crazy talk inspired by these village folks was the general impression of the chancellor. However, he knew that this man was no simple human being and whether he would conquer rome or not, he would definitely bring an upraising against the jewish authorities who were suppressing their own people and were full of corruption. He very well knew that it was the main reason for them trying to get rid of him. However, he was not sure of why he couldn't just use that as a pretext for killing him. Something told him to stay away from this and let the man be freed so that he can choose his own destiny, but he hesitated. Could the jews use this as a tactic to fire up the revolution and cause trouble? He surely didn't want to invite trouble when he was thinking of impressing the authorities and going back to rome. This thought settled in the chancellor's mind and drove out all the other pious thoughts the chancellor's mind was brewing at that time. Besides, it was the jewish mess and let them deal with it, was the thought that the chancellor's mind conviniently settled upon. 

"People of jerusalem", the chancellor shouted again. He looked at them intently and started speaking out slowly. "Rome respects your individuality and your own religious sentiments." he shouted. "Hence, we decided to let you decided to let you choose for yourself which prisoner you want to release on this auspicious day".As he said this, the soldiers brought forward two people chained in iron completely in front of the crowd. The chancellor was a wise, learned man and could hardly be considered naive, but his facial expressions were completely changed for when he saw the reaction to the prisoners arrival. On one hand, there was this notorious criminal who looted the jews and on the other was this preacher who wanted to reform this religion to make it more accessible to commoners. However, the so called commoners were not very supportive of this reformer or the messiah and were booing him big time. The chancellor recovered from his initial set back and he saw that the chances of the messiah being freed upon have hit a new low. He addressed the people saying that on one hand he had a notorious criminal who terrorized jerusalem and on the other he had this person called jesus of nazareth who didn't appear to be very sane and was awarded crucifixion as a punishment.He said it was upto the people to decide whom they want to be freed and to whom the punishment should be awarded. The people didn't hesitate for a moment to say barabas, barabas and there were a loud wave of protests against jesus and shouts for crucify him, stone him to death were going up. A few of the vociferous ones threw stones at him and some of them hit him hard. Blood started flowing down at which point the chancellor decided to speak to the crowd. He realized the irony of situation where he, a roman was trying to defend the culprit who claimed to be the son of god and was above the roman emperor himself. He tried to calm down the people by raising his hands, but they were in no mood and hence he decided to stomp his authority by shouting at them again. He shouted saying, " this jesus of nazareth may be guilty of violating the roman authority but a punishment of crucifixion sounds too severe." However, the people shouted back saying, "he deserves this, he deserves this". The chancellor remarked that the romans  would not be held accountable for this and the people retorted by saying that let his blood be on us and our future generations. At this point, the chancellor felt it was a futile attempt to talk to these people. He somehow felt very sad at his own helplessness and motioned the soldiers to take the prisoners away. He could see amusement in barabas eyes about how he was saved from a certain death and looked away from jesus since he felt there was some unexplainable calmness in his eyes. The chancellor himself decided to walk back and each of his steps from that place back to his residence were heavy and shook his heart.

Meanwhile, the soldiers who were awaiting this very opportunity took their heart content in dragging jesus away and gave him an earful of their choicest abuses and mockery. Jesus meanwhile was looking like the evening sky with blood stains all over his body. However, something told that it was nothing when compared to the torture that awaits him later in the day. The crowd were still shouting with anger and jerusalem was waiting as a rabid blood hound ready to pounce on its prey. Of course, not all of jerusalem was bursting with joy, there were a very few whose heart were bleeding, out of love, out of affection, out of shame and out of guilt.

(P.S: I will try to write the next part in the following week describing one of the most definitive events in modern history...this is only possible if Christ be willing)

Amen!

Waking up on the day of kurushetra war (arjun)

(Another post which follows the pattern of fateful dusheera.)

The cock crowed and my eyes opened at their sound. I didn't sleep well the previous night and i was tossing around imagining how it is going to be today. Will i survive the day or will my beloved survive today was the question hovering in my mind? It is not like we didn't fight wars before or that we didn't face mighty armies, but the bitterness and the passion associated with this war is huge and that scares me. Kaurava's are a mighty army and even though we defeated them several times, facing them in a war puts this in a different ball game all together. I need to practice for some time and saying so, i got up.

I picked up my bow and arrows and went to the practice area. I strung my bow and my ears were awaiting the soothing sound of an arrow leaving a bow. People might assume that i was naturally born to be an archer, but it was not always like this. I was not good to begin with, but guidance of my guru deva and several hundreds of hours of practice brought me to this level. But, history will comfortably forget these long, boring hours or condense them comfortably to give an illusion that it was my natural talent that made things happen magically. Focus, focus i repeatedly said to myself as i saw some arrows miss their target. I was a bit disappointed by this and tried to focus harder. However, things were going down hill and my memory failed me as i couldn't remember some vedic chants associated with the astras conferred to me by the devatas. I felt a little anxious as a lot seems to ride upon me in this war. My brothers count on me big time and i should deliver the goods. Without me, the kauravas will doubly rejoice and try to crush our army. Pitamaha and gurudev might go easy on us, but duryodhan and karan will show no such mercy. Karan will definitely try to slay me and to prove to the world that he is the best archer. Of course, i cannot blame him, because i would do the same if i were him and even now i will not spare him, even if i spare the rest of the kaurava army. Why do i hate him so much? Is it because i'm trying to reciprocate his hatred for me or is it because i believe somewhere deep within my heart that he is a better archer than me? I have defeated him easily in our previous encounters, but this war is as much a litmus test to him as it is to me to prove our capabilities.

I decided there was no point in further practice because of my wavering mind. I decided to come out of my camp to take a walk and just calm myself. As i came out, i saw soldiers getting ready, servants tending out to their masters, horses being fed, elephants being bathed and everyone being busy. None seems to understand the magnitude of this war that has befallen upon us, or perhaps trying to ignore their thoughts. As i walked by, i saw many people respectfully saluting to me and slowly whispering to each other. I slowly passed by the tents of my brothers, but i wasn't in a mood to talk to them. I knew they would also be in the same mood as iam right now. I moved on and saw krishna's tent. I felt a wave of peace come over me as i tried to imagine on what he would be doing right now? Would he be playing with his flute or would he be eating butter or would he be like the rest of us worrying about it? But krishna will not suffer like us, i know. He is the almighty and i'm sure he would be the only person among both the camps who would be in a state of total, ah i cannot describe it. It won't be happiness, it won't be sadness and it is not dryness, it is that state where he knows everything and still being unaware. It is contradictory i know, but how else can i describe him? I'm sure at this very moment he can answer me about who will win the war and who will survive, but yet he isn't worried about that. He somehow manages to push those end results to the back of the mind and live like a normal human being. I know, i know, my talk doesn't make much sense, but words cannot accurately describe everything and i'm not a poet...besides, words do not do justice to him..These thoughts made me loose track of time and i'm almost at the end of the pandava camp. I paused for a while to see the morning sun and i could see the kaurava army camp from the place i was standing.

The hastinapura flag was waving to the chilly morning air and a sense of nostalgia gripped over me. My ancestors must have proudly saluted to that flag, carried that over on their shoulders and would have experienced a sense of euphoria on seeing that flag waving high in the air. But, none of them would have imagined that there would be a day when their own kinsmen would fight amidst themselves and that the flag would be pulled by one of their descendants..I would be anyone on this wretched day but pitamaha. I could even be duryodhan for that matter but not pitamaha. Ah, a man dedicates his entire life for a cause and at the end sees that the cause will no longer exist due to the stupidity of his own men. My fate is not far from him, though. All the people i hold close to my heart are on my opposite side, except for krishna. Even krishna being on my side was a miracle. If duryodhan had made the right choice, he would have chosen krishna.If my dearest step brother had that knack, we would have not been here fighting each other. He would have happily accepted the proposal put forward by krishna and would have gladly given us the five villages. I would have been glad to live in a village peacefully with my brothers, family and krishna than to come here and face my own kinsmen. who knows? may be pitamaha, gurudeva and the rest would have been happier to come to us than stay in the company of duryodhan, karan and that cunning shakuni. Let them enjoy their riches, but i would have had a contentment which is above that. Of course, historians would depict the pandavas as cowards who didn't follow the kshatriya dharma and who didn't protect the dharm, but who cares about them? Even if we win this war, the same historians would project us as blood thirsty war mongers who couldn't resist the vulgarity of the riches and went after slaughtering their own kith and kin mercilessly just so that they can sit on the throne. Again, who will tell the wailing women and their children that their husbands, brothers and fathers were killed so that pandavas could protect the dharma? besides, what is dharma? Shouldn't dharma be protected by some powers which are beyond us? Shouldn't it be protected by krishna or shiva or the gods to whom we offer our prayers? Perhaps, they should stand up for dharma and leave mortals like us to not have to make that choice? I'm sure krishna could have killed duryodhan in a split of a second and brought this war to an end without any bloodshed. But, he chose not to do so, and instead decided to cast us into this game to see how we would perform? Why? why make things so complicated when there are simple solutions? Krishna, why do you torment us so much? You stand next to us, you offer our shoulders when we cry, you wipe our tears, you stand by us as others insult us, but why do you let this happen in the first place? Couldn't you who knew everything warn my brother about the evil schemes of kauravas? Couldn't you stop my brother from pawning off everything in the dice game? Couldn't you stop duryodhan from insulting us? You were a bystander all along. Even now, you are a bystander. You detest war and you go to the kaurava camp to stop this war. You stoop down in front of kauravas and you even offer them that we will accept only 5 villages? But, you still egg us on to go to the war? What good would be those five villages? Why cannot we just leave duryodhan and walk away saying, oh, duryodhan, you win...we are afraid of you and we cannot fight you, we will leave the place and go somewhere else. We are strong and we can survive, as we did for the last thirteen years. If my brother really wants to be a king, i'm sure we can do that somewhere else.

Alas, this is easier to say than to do. It will require a lot of courage to do something like this. Perhaps, history might make me a caricature for even thinking like this. What would they say?

"The great arjuna who single handedly defeated many vast armies saw his brothers and relatives on the other side and decided to renunciate his dharma and became a coward. Arjuna, the great grand son of bheeshma, the beloved disciple of dronacharya, the busom friend of krishna and above all the warrior who fought lord shiva himself ran away from dharma when his own people transgressed and there upon brought shame upon everyone who knew him and were friends to him".

Should i let this happen? No! I'll will not. As a warrior, it has been my birth right to fight and so i have done uptil now. My destiny has been to live and breathe in this battle field and so it shall be. I;m an archer and my duty is to fight. I will emulate my bow and arrow who do not question about why they are being used, on whom they are being used. They trust their archer and follow his will. So, shall i follow, the will of lord and my god, krishna. With him on my side and charioteering my rath, why should i worry about things that i cannot fathom?  I hear the sound for warriors to get ready. I better hurry and get ready.

Jai krishna!

(P.S: I want to right sometime about bhagawad geeta, but i need to read it, assimilate it for a while...it is way too much for me to comprehend, let alone blog upon...until then i will try to write about something else)...

Planning and stuff

Tomorrow, the six week hiatus is coming to an end. When the period began, i didn't know what i wanted to do. I did have some ideas in my brain and also a certain mentality around trying to keep myself at home and expose it to extreme levels of solitude to see how it will behave, but that didn't happen. Instead, i socialized more than i usually do. Also, some of my other ideas around preparing for GMAT and working on my novel didn't move far enough. Isn't it funny? I couldn't even properly plan for 6 weeks and there are times when i'm planning for my entire life? Is it only me or is it really tough for anyone to plan? But it was not like, i was swept over by fate or something. I had a choice of rejecting the dance show and focus on the things i planned for. However, i seem to hate doing things that are already planned and more interested in doing things that randomly show up. So, well, i cannot really complain then. Anyways, whatever happened has been fun and for a person like me, it doesn't really help to plan. So, a mental note for the future is not stop planning or be ready to accept that plans will not always work. Anyways, six weeks have passed by very quickly and there were lots of fun moments, some tense moments and a few bad moments as well.

What is worth living for?

This was the question that popped into my head this week...what is it that we are living for? At least i used to fool myself to think that i'm living for happiness, but there doesn't seem to be the concept of eternal happiness...happiness seems to play hide and seek and at some point, you just lose interest in chasing happiness. There are some fortunate ones who believe they are living to make money or status, but it seems too lowly and too unbecoming of me...then there are those that focus on living for the will of god folks, but that is too stupid...how do i know the word of god? Who knows what he wants you to do and how are you supposed to listen to emptiness? There are those who say you to trust your inner voice, but my inner voice seems to talk a lot non stop and f i dutifully listen to all its yapping, i might as well join an asylum, since it seems to lost its balance. The only chance for someone like me is to emulate someone who has already found the way of life, but most of the time these seemed to be people who found something more outside of themselves, like in a spiritual fashion. I've ranted many times about how difficult it is to find spiritualism at a work place and with this capitalistic, reward performace crap, it becomes increasingly difficult for people to maintain spiritualistic attitude at work place, which is about 1/2 of the active hours an active human being has...Anyways, i'm not typing answers but just contemplating on how difficult it is to stay motivated and focussed in this world which seems chaotic and too much to digest at times...my mind always races to my student days where things were more simpler...the whole purpose of life at that time was to find a job and a love...after having both of those for quite a while now, it suddenly seems tough to focus on what next? leaving everything and running away to himalayas seems too cheesy and more like a bad self help book, whereas being cut throat and going up the corporate ladder with razor sharp focus sounds too unfamiliar for my monkey brain...what do you think is worth living for? if you have anything interesting, post it.

Fateful dusheera@shirdi, 1918

what would be like if i was in shirdi on that fateful day? this is the question that popped into my head while i was at the temple today on dusheera celebrations...on a side note, today has been wonderful since i not only got a wonderful darshan at the temple, but also got to sing aarthi to baba, which was totally unexpected. Thank you baba!

Anyways, what would it be like to be shirdi @ 1918? I assume, it would have been just another day where you got up, took your pooja, did your bath and then proceed to masjid to see baba...nothing surprising there. You see that baba is a little sick and you mentally offer your pranam's. Before the masjid gets crowded, you would have loved to go near baba, speak to him a little bit and do some chit chat with him. If you were worried about something, you would have asked baba about your problems and ask them to be solved by him. After that, you would come out of the masjid with an air of satisfaction, go to a near by cafe and had some morning breakfast. Since there were no news papers in villages, you would go to a near by tree, sit by, do chit chat and wait for the madhyana aarthi....As you were engrossed in the chit chat, you hear the news that baba is sick...you would run off to the masjid and see baba having trouble difficulty breathing. You slowly realize that today might be his last, but you quickly brush off the thoughts saying, he is GOD and that he would never leave his mortal coil. After all, he loves you and he would be there for you to achieve salvation. How would he leave you in the middle? As doubts start to torment you, you see him coughing and spitting blood, which makes you cry instantaneously...you get angrier since you know that nothing is out of his reach, then why on earth is he tormenting himself and there by tormenting you? You cannot see this, you don't want to think, you don't want to hear and yet you refuse to budge even when asked to leave. You want to cling onto him like a son holding his mother's pallu and you don't take your eyes off with the fear that he might be no more. You start reading all the mantra's and salutations with the hope that something might be able to ward off this. You start to think about his omnipotence and try to assure yourself that he is doing this to test your love for him. Suddenly, he stops coughing and he draws his hand, pointing it towards you and asks you to come closer to him. You slowly walk towards him, tears still strolling down your eyes and sit next to him. You touch his feet, bow down with your head and then as you lift your head, you hear a cry saying that baba is no more.

You suddenly realize that life has lost its meaning...you sob uncontrollably, you do not care for surroundings and above all, you do not care for the things that have cherished so dearly above sai. The land, the money, the kids and the family which gave you so much high, the things that you would ask for baba, you don't care...you just dwell in the present moment wondering what is going to happen next? who is going to guide you? where do you turn for happiness? Life is suddenly struck by lightening and you are stranded alone. You get angry on yourself and on his almighty as well. How can he die? He, who has done so many miracles in front of your own eyes, he who has given a new life to so many people, how can he not protect his own self? Is he out of his mind? Doesn't he know his own greatness? You slowly crawl towards him and start shaking his head in a vain attempt to restore him. may be, he will get up and realize his own greatness? However, his body is stiff and your attempts are in vain. People try to move you away from him and ask you to control yourself, but you cannot. You are angry and fuming at yourself now. You run away from there since it hurts to see a great man meeting the end of a commoner. At some point, you wonder whether it was one of those bad night mares from which there is an escape. May be if you get up, it will be alright. You pinch yourself and realize that it hurts. But that hurt is no where comparable to what you are feeling inside your heart.

You slowly realize the graveness of the situation. You come to terms with the fact that you will never see god roaming on the earth again, at least not in a form that you have gotten used to. You understand how lucky you were to sit next to him, chat with him and tease him like a normal human being. You compare yourself fortune to the gopika's in brindavan, to the people of ayodhya and mathura...you also feel ashamed that you were not sincere in your endeavors and that you would have been more advanced in your spiritual efforts, if you treated him with the respect he deserved. Instead, you got entrapped about his mortal coil and his familiarity for you and didn't focus on making the most of this wonderful oppurtunity. You start feeling repentant, but it still doesn't fill that void. why, god why? You secretly wish that the death that didn't spare a great man like baba would come towards you as well. After all, blood hounds don't get satisfied with one, they need more. You wish at this very moment, you drop dead. Your respiration stops or you fall down with a big thud and thats the end of it. But, that doesn't happen. Death seems to be content with its prey and doesn't want to come towards you. After having the taste of a saint, why would it want to rush towards a lowly vermin like you. You don't die and you are still there..

As you come to terms with your life, you feel sad that you left baba there all alone and you rush towards masjid. There is still some hope left in your heart that he will get up, like he did the last time. As you reach the masjid steps, you see lot of noise. You see hindus and muslims fighting over what to do with baba's mortal coil. You see his body separating these groups and you see people fighting and arguing. You feel even more disgusted and see his sullen face. You feel sad within your guts since you see the work of a great saint down the drain, barely in a few hours after he left his mortal frame. His preaching of respect for other religions, his discourses on viragya and his simple teaching of love for your fellow devotess is all but forgotten. Now, these people are arguing about what to do with body, which is just like everyone else and has lost its charm since he no longer resides in it? You imagine his atma crying bitterly, wailing like you, saying out loud that it was his mistake to believe that people change and that it shouldn't have descended from heaven. You are helpless as well since there is no point arguing with bullheads. However, that doesn't stop you from deciding to do something. As you gaze around to see what you can do, you realize that nobody has sung aarthi and an inspiration strikes you to do aarthi. You become emotional again since this will be the first time you will be singing aarthi without him next to you, but you realize that it must be done, no matter how painful it is going to be. You slowly start organizing yourself and then start chanting aarthi loud. The verbal fight which reached its peak by this moment starts to be dispersed with the aarthi words and people of both parties start to realize their folly. They quickly disperse away and start to sing aarthi along with you. People with folded hands start to sing along and for a moment, you forget that baba is no longer alive. just for a moment, though...As is your habit of annointing baba, you take chandan and your hands automatically reach out to baba's neck, alas, there is no baba....instead, you see emptiness...it is hard for you to move to his corpse and anoint. yet, you go ahead and do it....somehow, the aarthi finishes and you drag yourself outside of the masjid to your home for sleep. You dread this very moment since your thoughts will come back to torment you. You hate being left alone, but you do not want to mix with people either, since the sadness in your heart is still fresh and you want to cry to your heart's content.

You go home and do not take food, even as pleas from your family members fall to deaf ears. You lock yourself up and lay down. As the room is filled with darkness, so is your heart. You see no light anywhere near and your mind slowly shows you glimpses of his wonderful presence. His laughter, his peculiar way of telling stories, his anger when you didn't heed to his words and his showering of love upon you. As you ponder about life, a slow voice that was hidden way tells you to not be afraid. You wonder at its bravery and try to shout it down saying, how can i not be afraid since my savior is gone? The little voice keeps growing stronger recounting to you how foolish you were to think that baba was limited to a mortal body and that he is present with you at this very moment. As you try to mentally analyze this, you make a challenge saying that you would believe this if you see him alive, behold, there he is standing in front of you. You cry with happiness and all your sadness is washed away. He looks at you lovingly and tells you to not worry about the mistakes you made, for they are inevitable and a true devotee would see baba's will in everything, not just in his greatness..Baba lovingly touches your head and smears vibuthi all over your face. You love the touch of his hand and while you are staring at him, he simply says to you, "why fear? when i;m here"....Saying this, he disappears and you are left alone to the same darkness. However, the darkness is no longer haunting you, because you feel his presence and you see darkness as just a temporary break before the sunrise.

You feel confident. All your imaginary fears are washed away and you no longer fear live without him, for he has never left you...he is next to you, you may not see him, but his presence is felt by your heart. Your worries about not utilizing his presence are underplayed as you realize that it is not you who decides how to progress in spirituality, but your master himself. You close your eyes and you see him again...

Amen!

I belong to the stage not the sidelines

This was what i felt after the performance...Like i mentioned in my previous post, i did not get this high when i acted, but since i care not much for dance, my performance was well appreciated...this is called the irony of life. Anyways, it felt wonderful to be on stage after a gap of three long years and i made sure i danced to my heart's content. I, so wish to go back to being on stage and performing, but don't know when that will happen again?

The day started with a dampener. Some of my friends said that they wanted my help to get some flowers for the function and hence the day began @ 3:30...I woke up and waited patiently but they never showed up. At 6 am, i decided to call it off and then went back to sleep. Later, i found out that they decided to not wake me up since it was time consuming and energy sapping...I woke up @ 9:30 again and then spent some time browsing and gulping another cup of coffee. However, i was feeling very dissipated and low..It went on like this for quite sometime and this caused me the worry of whether my energy levels will be low during the actual performance. Time moved very slowly and my mind was on how to raise my sapping energy levels. I tried taking a vitamin tablet and also eating some muffin to get some sugar in the body, but they didn't seem to help. I also had to deal with the fire alarm inspection guy and luckily that went off without any hiccups.

Finally, i went there by 2 pm but i was still tired. I went there and was going through the moments while getting ready with the costume, make up and the adorning of the fake mustache :-) ...We rehearsed couple of times and i found out that i was forgetting some steps. This caused a shock since i was already imagining that i will be a laughing stock and to add to that i had to go to the rest room with that pancha...i didn't understand how people had to answer nature calls with such complicated setup. As i was trying to decipher the pancha and its complexity, i finally found out a way to go to the restroom without having to undo the whole setup. I was way too excited and had to almost stop myself from becoming the next Archimedes who apparently had one of those 'eureka' moments and started running naked across the streets of athens...Luckily, i had my pancha on. This comfort allowed me to gulp as much vitamin water as i could as well as visit the rest room as often as i could. For the next one hour, i was in this caught in this cycle of going to rest room and drinking vitamin water.

Finally the moment of beckoning came...We were queuing near the back of the stage and were anxiously waiting for our turn. Luckily, they advanced our dance show and so the moment of reckoning came. The song that was so familiar to our ears started playing and so we started to move on to the stage in a circular fashion. The circular moment and the cheers from the crowd raised my spirits and my testosterone levels raised which eventually helped me to put in a powerful performance. I didn't realize the time except for one place where i accidentally stepped onto a jewelry piece and slipped. Luckily, i didn't fall down and i recovered very smoothly. None noticed and we got away from the stage with loud cheers from the audience. We went backstage and we started hugging each other and congratulating each other. All that effort and sweat didn't go waste and we did it...As a team, we put in a commendable performance. During the dinner break, lots of people commended our performance and i got a few personal compliments as well about my involvement in the dance as well as my smoothness. I felt happy and it reminded me of the good old times when i got similar compliments when i used to do stand up. I don't remember getting that many compliments as an actor and may be i didn't even get a single compliment, come to think of it. Sad, but true. The thing where i wanted to excel, i sucked and that hurts me to do this day. My ego tells me that i should not give up and try more but let us see where time takes me.

For now, it is about savoring the moment and reemphasizing to myself that i belong to the stage and not to the sidelines or the audience. That is where i belong and that is where i need to be. Will that happen? That is probably another matter which is best left alone to destiny and sooth sayers.

Sweet pangs of love

This world is so uncertain and unpredictable except for my love towards you. I cherish my moments with you, and i don't know how long i have to be separated from you to have those moments back. I think so much about you, but when i see you, i become frozen...so many thoughts, so many ideas and so many ways of expressing my love towards you, but i see you and i become nervous...i don't know how to convey my love for you. i just become nervous and i cannot profess how much i love you...it was easier if my thoughts were just sent in a telepathic way so that you could fathom the richness and diversity of my feelings towards you. However, those things don't exist yet and hence i continue to appear to you as a cold hearted one...What can i say? I've never been one of those who would grab a chance and run with it. Instead, i'm delegated to the sidelines where i usually ponder and wonder on how things could have been.

Still, i admire the love you shower towards me without even the slightest chance of reciprocal. How do you do that? Is that what love is meant to be? To shower your affection without expecting anything in return? If so, why am i still not able to break all the shackles? Why am i still helpless? Why cannot i break all the shackles i have created around myself and run towards you with my arms open? Ah, the misery of being a conformist.

I wonder if you spend as much time as i do about thinking of the things that happened between us? I wonder if you think about me all the time or only when i pass by you? I wonder if you take all of those little, inconsequential moments and have a mental replay, wondering about how i could have seized the chance and made them better? I spend a lot of time thinking, replaying and improvising for all the moments that passed by, for the moments that are passing by and for the moments that would eventually pass by. Ah, i wish i could have been different and actually be one of those guys who excel in these situations...those who can charm anyone straight away and those whose very presence lightens up the room.

Time is so cruel, isn't it? It catches me by surprise and flies away when i'm next to you. However, it comes to a standstill when i'm away from you, there by not sparing the misery of knowing my follies. Ah, the sweet pangs of love? The pain it induces, the misery it causes and the salvation it gives...I know it hurts, but i would rather be hurt by love than be away from it...

The dance of life

today is our performance day...we have been rehearsing for like 2 weeks and before you know it is show time...However, i'm not worried about that...somehow, i don't feel the same nervousness and anxiety that i used to feel for my theater. Well, life is like that...what you care about, you get anxious and worried, whereas the stuff you don't care about, you are good at it...I don't have any complaints though...the last two weeks have passed by like whirlwind and this helped to just breeze through life without any worries. Life as a single guy can get boring and depressing at times, so this has been a welcome break. And since my original plan was to do nothing, this didn't really cancel my other commitments. I do feel that my bhagavatha parayanam slowed down, but it is good to read it at slower pace...Anyways, after today, there is going to be a lot of FREE time and that is the time to focus and concentrate more on my bhagavatha reading. So, well, God has been kind to take care of me in the last few weeks and i get the feeling that i'm slowly settling down to a routine, which is good since this shows that life is steadying itself....Anyways, that is a topic for another day and for me the moment is about going and rocking the stage!

Omsairam!

what is love?

I scream from the top of my voice, I LOVE YOU!! I listen to radio songs edifying love, i sing along and i try to be a school boy again, like when i was 16...My mind tries to ask me questions, but i just tell it to SHUT UP!!! This is not the time to ponder but it is the time to rejoice....Isn't it magical when love happens? Life is same old, same old but love changes everything. It suddenly turns your life to disneyland, where anything can happen...mickey mouse greeting you, fireworks in the night and of course the innumerable rides that bumps up your testosterone levels....what is this magic called love? How does it happen? Scientists equate it to some hormones getting bumped up and they say it can happen with chocolate as well...let me tell you one thing...it doesn't happen that way...i have tried all kinds of chocolate including the horrible 90% dark chocolate and it is nothing when compared to love...may be thats what we need to invest our time? Find that perfect potion or hormone tablets that can bring love to your heart. No worries, no problems...World will be filled with love...And all these psychiatrists/psychologists will be out of business, for sure. Why do i need to pay someone to talk to about my problems? When love is there, there are no problems....Oh, the power of a simple smile from your beloved is enough....i used to laugh when poets would go overboard about love with stuff like, why do i need the world when i have you? I can spend eternity looking at your ocean-like eyes, your smile makes my troubles disappear...It is all sooo true...And the amazing thing is you don't need to be next to your beloved. They can be miles apart and yet the power of love doesn't tone down....the memories that make you feel filled with joy and peace, the conversations that would go along for hours and those anxious moments when you feel nervous about looking at them directly and those emotions that don't seem to hide when you need them to....what more can i say? Of course, love does have the tendency to play hide and seek, but you need to be patient...you need to know enough tricks so that you don't give up...you just wait for it and behold, it finds you...All i can say is I LOVE YOU, LOVE!!!

Shirdi baba birthday experience

Yesterday they celebrated baba's birthday and it also happened to be my marriage day. So, when i visited the temple, my expectations were pretty high. Also, it was a day where a personal oath taken by me came to frutition...on my first visit, i prayed baba to help me visit him eleven times uninterruptedly to this temple (i don;t remember eleven thursdays or eleven visits)...I believe my intention was subconsciously eleven visits, even though i might have said eleven thursday's...you might be wondering on why am i elaborating this? Next thursday, i may not be able to go to the temple due to my dance practise and hence the effort to understand god's meaning around my oath...Anyways, it seems to be silly to try to understand god's intent with my limited, self-centered brain. I believe, my eleven thursday oath culminated this weekend when i visited baba's temple for the 11th time, on baba's birthday and my marriage day. Of course, i don't want to say that it was 'I' who did it, since i, for one, know that i'm useless, confused and pathetic and without his drawing me towards him, this wouldn't have been possible. I surely lack will power, patience and it is a near to miracle scenario that i have not only been able to visit the temple but also enjoy this experience. In a way, the visit to SFO baba temple is an oasis for me in this world of dryness.

I visited the temple with many expectations, but somehow, i was surprisingly able to enjoy the bhajans and also concentrate on his divine form. I was meditating on baba with a begging bowl in his hand in shirdi. I was imagining to be next to baba with a begging bowl of my own and begging as well, leaving aside all sense of ego, shame and dignity. I seem to hate my thought process which has led me to run after vanity, self importance and a true liberation for a person of my ilk would be to live on top of a mountain, away from any social contact and with a very humble means of living. Of course, none of this will work if my thought process continues to be the same way, but how do i change it? that, to me, is the million dollar question?

  
For about an hour, i would say i was trying to meditate. I use the word try here since many a times, my mind gets adrift and tries to take this one idea and go along with it...just like spider man, who spins one web after another and gets going, similarly, my mind takes this one little innocuous idea and then moves on happily spinning one idea after another, while i'm still seemingly meditating with my eyes closed. I realize this after a few minutes passed by and then i put some effort to meditate on baba or jesus or swami vivekananda et al. Can this be called meditation? or does meditation only refer to no thought zone alone?

After an hour, things got messy....baba arrived upon the lady and people wanted to go to baba and talk to him. The volunteers queued first to get baba's glimpse and that didn't struck nice to me. Granted that they are devotees as well and they would also want to get baba's darshan, but i expected the volunteer's to go last, setting an example for the rest of us to follow, which is about being immersed in spiritual bliss than hanker for his mortal frame. In a way, it is easy to say than follow, since who would not want to talk to baba directly, if given an option? For that matter, i respect the lady's family since they always give preference to the rest of us and put themselves in the last. I was trying to focus on them than see the negative things in his presence. Isn't it ironic there is baba sitting three feet away from me and yet my mind can dwell on the negatives? An hour passed by with the volunteers first going for the darshan, followed by people coming from long distance, followed by elderly people etc...there was a lot of commotion and my mind correlated this to tirupathy balaji temple, where things get very messy as soon as you enter the swami's abode. I tried to calm my mind down, but it was almost impossible. Then somehow, it turned against baba since it probably weighed itself down with its unrealistic expectations around baba treating me in some 'special', 'grandiose' way...i don't blame it since it is human to have expectations and you always want to be treated special. I also needed to go to the rest room and somehow, it is very chaotic which i didn't appreciate. The chaos was not needed and i felt a little more thought would have made the whole thing smooth for everyone of us. My mind at that point was telling baba to help me get there somehow and that i was not appreciating his behavior towards me, where he was not letting me come to his sharan and get his darshan from close quarters. It was not that i was feeling insulted, but i just didn't have enough patience.

Patience is the key word here and it seems to me that i don't have patience for anything. Sad, isn't it? Especially for a person who is a follower of baba (saburi translates to patience). Somehow, he took mercy on my plight and made one of the volunteer ask me to join the line since i was there waiting for a long time. This made feel again pampered by baba and join the line in a relenting mood. A sense of shame swept over my child like behavior and i had some questions about my attitude. Is this what i represent? I'm hardly five feet away from baba, yet, i'm living in my own world, trapped by my own ego? I joined the line and then my mind after getting a new boost to ego started praying again. I also imagined my wife next to me since she would have given up anything to be here on this joyful occasion of baba's birthday. I also remembered my dad and my mom who were having a wonderful celebrations of their own. As the line slowly crawled forward, i was rehearsing on what to ask from baba? I always hankered for inner peace and that is what i was going to ask. I also wanted to say that my wife has offered her pranam's as well. I was also holding onto a greeting card for baba on his birthday and it sounded great when i came up with the idea, but sounded silly and childish at that point of time. I wanted to simply leave it at his statue, but somehow couldn't think of doing that. In the end, i decided to give it to him.

Finally my turn arrived. I went forward and sat on my knees, took his blessing and was waiting, but he seemed to smoking hukkah. I didn't know what to do as i got around a minute just looking at him. I wanted to hold on to his feet, but i was wearing jeans and didn't put on my belt...Bending for extended periods of time risked the danger of people seeing my rear part live as well as on the big screen tv that was showing the live recording down stairs. So, i just sat there observing him and waiting for him to look at me. I didn't understand on how i should take this? A divine, rare oppurtunity to observe a godly person for an extended period of time? or god being angry with me and refusing to give me darshan? I was a little afraid that he would chase me away from there, like he used to do in shirdi. Finally, he looked towards me, and i handed him the card. The next 60 seconds were kind of blurry to me, but i vaguely remember him putting his hand on my head, blessing me and giving me a flower, vibuthi, a rudraskha (which i mistook to sweet candy and tried to eat it) and a pan.  I didn't have an opportunity to ask him any questions and probably forgot about them when i was there. I also wanted to say that my wife is offering her blessings but i didn't muster the courage to say that...is that what i represent? A spineless wimp? Let me not do more self loathing now...i will reserve that for another day.

I came out, had my dinner and then decided to leave. I didn't wait to watch baba cut his birthday cake since i felt that the crowd was too big as well as i felt a little shaken up after everything. I felt very ashamed that i was not at my perfect self yesterday and that deep down i'm still that spoilt brat who has no patience. Sure, i read books, sure i question, sure i try to be spiritual, but yet, when the rubber hits the road, i'm still behaving like an adolescent guy (which i was when i was 17!!).  I was a little disappointed  by the time i was on high way and then i started wondering how cynical and pessimistic my thought process is? If the same experiences happened to my wife, she would be on cloud 9 right now...not everyone gets the touch of god's hand on your head and not everyone gets a rudraksha from baba himself...yet, my mind is not satisfied. It still sees short comings, mis givings...how can i change this glass is always half empty thinking? I really admire my spouse on this regard. She has got an infinitely positive attitude and she makes the most of the things that are handed out to her. Yours truly on the other hand is known to be a pessimist and a cynic (don't know the difference b/w those) and seem to always trying to make sure that the glass is full, which i don't think will ever happen. But what to do? If the holy hand of  god doesn't make a difference, then what else will? Only time will answer this.

Omsairam!

Shirdi and happiness (contd)

The tide of emotions went from down to up on this thursday...the confusion about whether i'm going in the right direction and whether happiness can ever be lasting paved way to devotion and love for baba...the bhajan time went to ecstasy where my mind was concentrating and having visions of baba...i was magically taken over to shirdi and i could imagine being part of the shirdi folks et al...i was also meditating on lord rama and lord krishna...i was concentrating on the krishna in the child form, his dance with gopika's and lord shri rama with his bow and arrows...somehow, i always have this vision of lord rama with his bow and arrows drawn out...i personally feel this as lord rama using his bow and arrow to chase away the daemons that torment me in my head...of course, little does he know that in aiding a guy like me, he has to stand like that all the time :-)))

      

Now, coming to the more serious part....i was feeling low last week wondering on how come i have not changed even after knowing baba for 17 years...i felt that may be i have wasted my life by not becoming more spiritual and not by training myself to be more detached...it was not against baba, but i felt, what use is my life if god blesses me with holy companionship and yet my mind refuses to settle down? After some more contemplation, 17 years doesn't seem that long after all, considering that this process takes thousands of janma's to bear fruit...it is more of an evolutionary process which definitely takes time...however, this shouldn't become an excuse to slack or to comfort myself...this utter disgust for materialism should grow slowly, but not to turn me into a cynic but into a spiritual path...i'm not proud of the things that i have done in my life, but neither am i ashamed...what ever i have gone through has happened to me for a reason...

The real conundrum is how do you train yourself to not get attached while u are immersing yourself? i pray for like 10~15 minutes a day and then work for 8 hours...how will my brain be spiritual? Also, i have this obsession (some call it passion) to be the front runner and some times it makes life too challenging, too short to take a break...i know all of this, yet mind rules...so, the question of how does a person who is genetically very competitive attain spiritual bliss? Does this mean that he cannot go by the old adage of living life as a house holder and yet attaining spirituality? Does this mean that he needs to abandon the society and go, live life as a hermit in a secluded place...i'm not mentioning an ashram because a competitive guy will find ways to be competitive even there...Don't know? I wish it were the movies and that there was this one song or a brief moment where i challenge god and he shows up and answers my question and invokes something that changes my perspective straight away...but it doesn't happen like that....rather it will take a very painful and slow analysis, stretching, fumbling and a conscious effort to train myself...

let us hope this was a more realistic take on things!

Shirdi and happiness

Since i have been talking about shirdi, dwarakamai and baba, i want to talk about this today. This thursday, i was at the temple and was doing my pooja...However, my mind was vacillating  and there were times where it almost went to real world. After the pooja was over, i felt very empty. I had the feeling that nothing has changed for me in the last 17 years i have known baba...my vasana's are strong as ever and my morality is very much the same. I don't seem to have changed as a human being and my interest in the materialistic world is strong as an ox. So, the thought was, what use was my prayer? what use was my spirituality, if it cannot guarantee me peace? After these many years, i'm still feeble and i cannot control my mind nor its randomness. It affects me, controls me every bit and i'm a slave to it just as anybody. My mind seems to have lot of ideas but no execution plan. It seems to be that eternal critic that destroys everything i build and then later propels me to destroy the next thing that i'm building...What use is spirituality when it cannot control my own mind? It is not like i want to not embrace spirituality and go 180 degrees the other way. That also doesn't interest me. So, the question that i had and the dis enchantment was if you are a person who cannot be happy when you are almost a whisker away from god, then what will give you happiness? I don't want to be like a billionare or the greatest guy on the planet...i just want peace, peace and peace. However, whenever i seem to get to close to peace, my mind kind of stimulates me into destroying that and forces me into something else. A person hankering for peace would settle down in one place and then will maintain a routine. However, i don;t do that and i seem to hate the idea of a routine. At this point, i'm as clueless as you around understanding what i want and the only thing that i seem to like is the idea of being in charge or control and not having anyone sit above me. Good luck in finding such a place, may be in an unreal world? but, it is not like i'm asking GOD to grant me my wishes, obviously i do not want that. I'm asking him for peace and the power to not listen and pursue every single thought that pops up into my mind, which seems to be working overtime these days.

Besides, shouldn't all of the things that i'm praying for happen automatically? You are like in shirdi and you are seeing baba...shouldn't that destroy my confusion and make me feel serene? It doesn't seem to happen in my case and my monkey mind is tormenting me. Please don't tell me that not all of the people in shirdi benefitted from baba's presence. Or am i like that unfortunate ones who being close to GOD cannot benefit from it? If that indeed is the scenario, what else is left for me in life? Should i just accept the fact this very unfortunate fact and continue? Or do i wait for the fact that something miraculous will happen that will change my very way of life? Or will there be a third alternative where i will organically be changed? That seems to be a realistic scenario where i transform, but given my state of progress, it will take a long, long time for me to actually change...

Omsairam!

Art of finding happiness

How do you find happiness? This is the thought i have been researching for a long while and there seems to be no apparent answer. Everytime i think i know the answer, the cruel fate smiles back telling that i'm always close to its clutches..does this mean that happiness is as close as the mirages in the desert? some wise people say that happiness can be found not outside but inside? but how i ask? we are social beings and this means that we live in the outside world..then how can i find happiness inside? Does this mean that i should run away to a cave nearby to find happiness and shun the entire outside world? Some say live your life by doing karma but not expecting anything out of it? Again, how can someone possibly be some sage like in their attributes? How could you be so away from your ego, greed and the rest of the cowardly attributes that seem to plague simpletons like me? I read  sai satcharitra, i read holy books, i meditate but yet happiness is a dream to me...i don;t know how it comes and i dont have a clue on why it leaves...sometimes, i'm tempted to think that happiness is a step away from me and that i will find it soon, but that next step never becomes the current step...what use is money if it doesnt make you feel worthy? what use is a house if it doesnt make you secure? what use is a job if it doesnt give you peace? Am i the only one who suffers from this? I sometimes look at my father and feel that he might have cracked the code for finding happiness..He is a moderate man and seems to be in content with what he does...may be that is the secret of happiness..be content! but unfortunately, i'm not like that...contentment is a taboo to me and does this mean that i'm genetically wired to never find happiness? To write one blog after another wondering what happiness looks like? What is the solution, my mind asks? I look at it and give that helpless grin...

Missing someone

Yes, i hate to say this...i hate to admit it...i miss someone and not in that filmy style with tears rolling down, but in a different sort of way...how do i say this? Like a surfer missing a warm day, like a romantic missing the moon light and like a gardener missing spring...thats how i miss someone...I remember dropping her off at the airport and then realizing that someone who has been with me for quite a while will not be there and that i will be all alone...what fun is life when the moments cannot be shared with someone? like having a wonderful cake that has to be ate alone or a beautiful drive to be seen alone...boring, isn't it? However, the good side of this separation is that you realize the worth of the other person and that you see how life can be without them...Glad that this is only temporary...

Promotion and Pigs

My friend told me this story a while back at the time of my first annual review when i was getting anxious about my performance review.

Apparently the king of gods (lord indra) once while travelling in air with sage narada happened to look down on earth and saw a bunch of pigs sitting merrily in filth and mud. He was repulsed by this and asked sage narada on how the pigs could live there? Narada told indra that he would not understand how it would be to live as a pig and hence he cannot judge it from outside. Indra who was not convinced by this challenged that he would transform himself to a pig and would show to narada that he was wrong. Narada agreed to this merrily and thus began the experiment. Indra transformed himself to a pig and joined the pigs on earth. He slowly started losing his memory and he convinced himself that he was a pig.

The gods were in chaos after a while since their king was missing. They searched for him everywhere assuming that he might have gone to a better place than heaven. However, all their attempts were futile and then finally they happened to meet narada who told them the exact location of indra. Hearing this, they did not believe him and asked narada to take them there. Narada took them there and told them that indra was the fat pig which was merrily enjoying the excreta and covering itself with mud and dirt. Devatas were shocked to see this and they approached the fat pig asking it to come out. The pig refused and told them flatly that there was no better place than this for it. Besides, it got cozy here and doesn't want to move its ass to somewhere unknown. The devas assured that any place is better than this and that it should come out. They even showed a glimpse of the heaven and the apsara's. However, the pig refused flatly. The gods were confused and prayed narada to help them out, for how can they go back without their king? Narada went to the pig and told it that it needn't come...however, he would appreciate if it just came out of its mud pool once. After that, it was free to go back. The pig agreed and came out of the mud and looked back. It was surprised to see where it was living and slowly it dawned that he was not pig but lord indra himself.

My friend told me this story telling me that when it comes to performance, try to set your aims high and not low. You can train yourself to expect a promotion or you can train yourself to learn something new. You can train yourself to get a pay raise or you can train yourself to make an impact. At the end of day, your mind will be busy spinning cycles based on what you set your goals. If so, why be content with lowliness?

vinayaka chavithi

Today is vinayaka chavithi..we celebrated it successfully with the blessings of baba and lord vinayaka..we celebrated it last year as well, but this year i liked it more...perhaps, it was the time to understand what equilibrium is, last year. We played it on youtube and i found it useful...i was never a fan of technology in spirituality, but this is one where i support whole heartedly...the you tube videos ran for more than 90 minutes, but i liked it...time passed by, we did our pooja, heard the story and somehow my mind slipped into the good old days....my child hood, my parents, my grand parents and my family...

I remember we used to celebrate very seriously...it starts with us kids following our dad to the market place to buy the vinayaka statue...We had this custom of keeping the statue for one year and then doing the nimarjan the following year...So, whatever statue, we bought, we kept it for an year...my dad is very acute about the details and we kids got to see each statue, examine it, the color, the hands of ganesh, their direction and after some examination, he would triumphantly pick one out..We probably did this a few days before the vinayaka chavithi to avoid the crowd...All the flowers, leaves and fruits, we would either buy it on the day of festival...I used to the proud accompice since my sisters were given other tasks,like washing the idols, decorating the flowers and as a guy, you can get away with stuff on festival day...I remember the market used to be crowded and we would be talking to vendors, trying to bargain with them and then filling our bag with all different things....i wonder if anyone knew whether the leaves and grass we got was actually holy, or whether it was some grass from the near by bushes...but, it is INDIA...in matters of GOD, we don't reason, we do it out of faith.

Once we reached home, it was the time for decoration...my sisters and dad would do the work while my mom was busy cooking different dishes...i always remember my mom doing everything single handedly for festivals...we would start the pooja and my mom would sneak out of the kitchen for a brief time to offer her respect and then go back...i never wondered at that time on why she should not be part of this? I almost felt that as a routine and told my spouse to do the same...My dad would sincerely do the pooja while we kids would try to seat ourselves comfortably, offer our pranam to lord ganesha and try to do amateurish decorations with different flowers, leaves and grass...And once the aarthi is over, our favorite part of the festival would begin:story time...Ganesh chaturthi involves doing pooja like other festivals and then read the story of lord ganesha...It goes over how ganesha was born, the fight between the brothers for the honorary title, the rebirth of ganesha and then the much coveted samanthaka mani story...As kids, we wanted to read as much as possible, so samanthaka mani was our favorite story and there were verbal duels between us concerning that....my dad and mom had to play mediator there and carefully divide the story so that each one of us got equal share of the story...After reading the story to our hearts content, we would end the pooja with an aarthi, reading some slokas and wrap our pooja with a sumptous feast that my mom prepared.

I never wondered in all these years on how selfless my mom has been...she would do the toughest job of the day around cooking the dishes, cleaning them and yet never wanted any rewards...she never clamored to read the story nor do the pooja, but instead focussed on doing her duty without any ado...probably, that what ganesha wants me to realize on this auspicious day....remember the sacrifices made by your parents and respect them, upon which you will conquer the whole world  (did i say this used to be my favorite story?)

Omsairam and Jai ganesha!!!!

a nice poem from bigb

ALLAH knows what is best for us; So why should we complain
We always want the sunshine; But He knows there must be rain.

We always want laughter; and the merriment of cheer
but our heart will lose their tenderness; If we never shed a tear.

ALLAH tests us often; with suffering and sorrow
He tests us not to punish us; but to help us meet tomorrow.

For growing trees are strengthened; if they can withstand the storm
and the sharpness of the chisel; gave the marble its grace and form.

ALLAH tests us often; and for every pain he gives us
and provided we are patient; Is followed by rich gain.

So whenever we feel that; everything is going wrong
It is just ALLAH’S way to make our spirit strong.

http://bigb.bigadda.com/

morning time

I woke up early today which was surprising...it is a looong weekend and i'm supposed to sleep like crazy...somehow i got up and it was a bit negative...however, after brushing and a warm cup of cofee, i feel optimistic and filled with love for the entire universe...see, what wonders a nice cup of coffee does? There are times when u have that utopian feeling where the whole universe seems to be your family and you see the almighty in everyone...the world is full of smiling faces, eh? I know, this feeling is bound to get lost and eviscerate as the day goes along, but the very thought that such thoughts can arise gives you hope that life is not all that gory and may be, may be it is bearable...

Sometimes when things are bad, it is not a bad idea to walk away...after all, it does a whole lot of good to you and the other person...why hang around with your heart full of vengeance? Anyways, seems like bygones are bygones and i don't have any regret for what i have done and for what others have done to me...Thinking of which, an interesting thought arose in why things had to happen for the way they have happened to me..At least our belief in weekly baba visit has been growing stronger and at some level we feel that it was destined for us to come here because we could be in his court. I know it is cryptic to understand, but if you know me, you can understand this...may be there is no great material benefit, no professional advantage, but the very thought that i can see baba and feel his presence is like what, a thousand life's tapasya coming to fruition isn't it? Sometimes when my mood is negative and my mind is wavering, i try to think how it was in the 1890's in shirdi...very few people in shirdi and some of those seemingly normal people were seeing baba everyday oblivious to the fact that they were part of this growing phenomenon...i may not be that fortunate, but the very thought that u are able to be there to witness that transformation itself is amazing...I sincerely pray that whatever good deeds have made me come and see baba should help me continue doing that and instead of taking this as a spectacular event, my heart should undergo true transformation and change for the better...when i speak of change, it is not that i suddenly wake up being optimistic, smily and all, but more like, a unwavering faith in almighty, a bit of tolerance for others and the ability to see his hand in everything...This is what i would ask if i get to speak to baba.

Omsairam!

Shirdi@2010

it felt like that when i was there at this shrine where baba descends onto this person...It was interesting to be a part of this, to be able to see a person transform into baba himself and then watch how his interactions were with other people...From the outside, it looks all too creepy and most of us dismiss it as another fake story...but for the believers it is different...am i believer? i dont know...i'm always troubled with questions and hence i'm not going to be an EASY believer even if baba came to me...Luckily, there was no money involved nor was any signup sheet...it was just a group of like minded people who sat there, sang some melodious bhajans and were overall very nice, respectful and friendly...

Coming back, i had very nice experience yesterday...it was almost like i was in shirdi when baba was there...being able to sit at the back of the masjid, watch baba interact with people, see him talking, waving his hands and being nervous at the same time, waiting for the oppurtunity to talk to him, wondering what would it be like to say hello to him, take his blessings and ask him to shower his blessings on you and make all your troubles and nagging thoughts disappear for ever, i mean forever, not like being happy and all for a day to wake up the next and being crappy again...Anyways, that was the happy part...There is also all these questions cropping up on why he didn't pick up yet, am i worthy and all as well as wondering about whether this can be really true...you know, the typical ego trip...

 Regardless of what happens, i will continue visiting this shrine to make sure that i think beyond my self and to delve into bigger questions like what is the purpose of life, why are we born, why do we breathe and live a life et al...

Omsairam!

Dance india dance--little masters

This is one good program that i have been watching since two months...from the top of it, it looks like any other reality show...bunch of kids who can dance, some teachers who teach them, couple of judges who evaluate them and then a million viewers who watch it..stupidity, right? Well, that was what i thought about this, but then once i started watching, it turned out to be something else...

First of all, i love that the kids at that age know what they want in life...These kids are no ordinary kids, for they do wonders, but to be able to have a goal, a vision that they want to become dancers/choreographers is amazing...esp. when a lot of the folks just want to become doctors/engineers...I remember when i was 7, i had no idea where i want to be...i was so confused and i only wish i had this clarity...

Secondly, it is amazing and uplifting to see that these kids are not those who were born with a silver spoon in their mouth...they are not ones whose parents are super rich and have the ability to send them to dance schools...in fact they all come from middle class or lower middle class and despite that, they are super talented and hard working...I see one kid called manoj, who doesn;t even have a TV in his place..His parents go and work as construction laborers, still he has come into the top 4...hats off for their endurance, confidence and hard work...Kids like this serve as an inspiration to me and probably millions more to not complain about life but instead accept it as a fun ride...BTW, did i mention that they had to stand for hours to even get an audition glimpse, let alone forget entering the show...

No matter how much people complain about the ills of cable tv, one great thing has been the platform it has become many such actors, dancers, singers and provide a venue for many aspiring people to showcase their talent...I only wish that people will be able to level headedly take their success and scale even higher...

Omsairam!

Search for home

While we are here searching for apartments, there was someone who was smiling quietly and having that mischievous smile that he already planned the whole thing...i mean, we got the house that we both loved, is affordable and is in a great location...no compromises, no heart brakes...Again, GOD does his thing without any ado and without any wimper...i always expect GOD to do his things in the great, bliblical way, announcing his entry with an uproar, doing a lot of miracles, showing his signs etc, but he never does that...instead, he does his thing quietly and before we know it, he already accomplished his deeds..why? all the books we read talk about miracles, wonderful signs, but in my life, they never happen? of course, even if they did, i would still try to weigh in and try to understand it 'scientifically' or attribute it to pure chance or be stupid enough to think it was not really a miracle...you might think i'm exaggerating, but it has happened time and over again...So, for people like me, this is the ideal way of dealing...i do wonder how some people (read my wife) have such staunch beliefs that they envision god's hand in everything...they seem to be content and any minute thing that they see they account it to the almighty...that probably is a good thing like the simple-minded folks in shirdi who never dreamed of great things instead focussed on doing their daily activities, contended with their lifes and look what they got? The almighty at their doorstep....they didn't need to run to himalayas, or do staunch tapasya..nothing...they just did their duty, led contented lives and god appears at their door step...i need to remember this part...this whole contended and satisfied thing...omsairam!

thanks for the home and thanks for being with us...

Life so far

This is my first blog after a while and i want to talk briefly about how things are, how my perspective is etc..

change is always difficult to handle and the magnitude of change in my case has been huge..new technology, new work environment, new place and new people...sometimes, thoughts prod me on whether it was necessary and whether it was in the right direction, i feel a little nervous and wonder whether i'm in the right direction...change makes people nervous and the key to not feel nervous is to accept it and be ready to take mis steps, make wrong calculations and then be able to correct the course of action...so, i try to chant sairam mantra and then tell it that it is ok to be nervous and that time will help us determine the correct course and well if it is not the correct course then we will change it...what the heck...

I also attended a talk called..how to tame your monkey mind...it made me feel happy to realize that it is not just my mind that is a monkey and that everyone on this planet have similar problems that i face...it was interesting to see that you can train your mind and make it bend...i loved the thought of giving pain to my mind and make it squeal begging me for mercy and asking me to forgive it for the numerous troubles it has caused to me...one thing i realized is that, YOUR THOUGHTS make a big difference and unless you can conquer them, you have not attained true realization...in my case, my thoughts do trouble me and meditation/passive observing of thoughts is the SOLUTION...Also, believing in the goodness of the UNIVERSE and my sadguru are the key to not lose hope and optimism....

Omsairam!

divine providence

i was making a mental note to myself recently that i should be following divine will without any questions asked...it sounded simple at that moment...the logic was you just go with the flow and not worry about the next thing that is going to happen...you also believe in the age old adage that if something is happening to you, you deserve it and that the thing that belongs to you will come to you without you hankering for it...it definitely sounded easy on the paper and made me believe that this is the answer to my suffering...i actually wondered why i didn't think of this earlier? two days later, i believe it is not that easy...if it were, people would have been following it everywhere and there would be no unhappiness and stress in the world...that said, trusting divine providence is not impossible...there will be lapses, there will be digressions, but it can still be done...The biggest problem however seems to not about trusting the divine providence, but figuring out whether it is the divine providence or not...recently, i have made career move which at that time had made me believe it is divine providence, but now, i'm not so sure...why? because, the spiritual high that i experienced at that time is not being experienced right now and the demons of doubt have come back to torment me again...what can i do then? i believe it is better to go with the assumption that whatever has actually happened to you is divine providence...NO QUESTIONS ASKED...God doesn't make you do things that is not according to his will...probably, this will make you not ponder over the other choices and you can make peace with yourself...

In short, divine providence is probably summarized like (need to add more as we go along):

a) Believing that whatever has happened to you is god's will.

b) Believing that whatever has not happened to you is god's will.

c) avoid resisting things...if you dont like something, make an attempt to change it...if it still doesn't change, then you need to follow it.

Hopefully, writing this should help me to refer to this in case i get lost...

“Let the Lord’s will be done”

(an older post of mine dated 3/11/2006 that i found while digging through stuff)


This Christmas I asked Santa, for a present. I asked for something that I have never asked before. I asked for something that is actually good for me, I asked for something that I should have asked 20 years go. I asked Santa to make “God’s will my will”. This sounds simple, doesn’t it? But, within a week, I have realized that it isn’t picnic time and this is the hardest thing anyone can live.

You may be wondering, why is this hard? Shouldn’t it be easy since god is going to make all the decisions and all I have to do is simply follow them? That’s where the problem lies. I’ve been used to being a dictator all my life, making all my decisions and being answerable to none. But, now every action I take is answerable to GOD and even worse, I have to think it out before I take any action.

Another thing I realized is what will happen if GOD’s will for me is choose rags over riches, hell over heaven and defeat over victory? What if GOD wants me to sacrifice my career and money? What if GOD wants me to sacrifice all my dreams and aspirations?

What if GOD wants me to be a simple gutala not the popular Jerry Seinfeld or chandler bing, I always wanted to be? I seriously cursed myself for asking this. For I thought that what use is my life if I cannot be someone special? I lost interest in everything. I couldn’t bear the thought of me working hard to realize my goals and suddenly finding one day that GOD’s will is something different. The very thought of relinquishing my dreams seemed unbearable to me.

I thought that I will modify my wish such that “I will follow GOD’s will only when they are not in direct conflict with my dreams and the things that will be listed”. U know, prepare a 20-page license agreement and make GOD just click on a one word “I agree” column. But, you know he actually reads those documents. I tried reasoning with him. God, I know you want me to be happy and I will be happy if I get this wish fulfilled, which means You want my wish to be fulfilled. I tried bribing GOD: If you let my wish to be fulfilled, I’ll go to the church and feed 20 hungry people, as if GOD was waiting for me to feed them. I also tried to be the pampered kid, I will not come to church unless you give me this. Yes, Mr.Right is needed in the church. But, even though I was clinging on to my dreams, there was a voice that kept on screaming “This is not right. Ask for GOD’s mercy and love. You had all kinds of stuff before but you were never happy. “

As I realized that none of these strategies will work with GOD. May be they would have but I didn’t want to pursue them. I felt sad about my choices in life. I asked GOD for such a wonderful thing and when the time came, here I was trying to pick these rags when GOD was offering me an Armani suit. I truly understood the meaning of “pearls before swine”, of course me being the PIG. I decided that no matter how painful it is I will relinquish everything inc. my dreams for obeying GOD’s will. I’ll without any hesitation choose defeat over victory, hell over heaven, rags over riches, if that’s GODs will for me. For what victory is victory if it doesn’t get me closer to GOD, for what place is heaven if it doesn’t have GOD in it, and for what value is money, if it takes me away from GOD. I decided that no dream is worth pursuing if it comes in between me and GOD. No matter how painful it is, I decided that obeying GOD’s will is my utmost priority in life. And the greatest thing is that GOD has to give me strength in obeying his life, for I, myself cannot do that on my own.

A month passed by and I have come to realize that following GOD’s will is not painful and negative but in fact it is a most optimistic experience I ever had. I’ve come to understood that following God’s will does not mean that I have to give up my dreams and aspirations. In fact, I’m pursuing them more aggressively than I did my entire life. But there is a difference now. Earlier, I pursued my goals for my own gratification but now I pursue my goals as a tribute to the almighty, for guiding me and protecting me. Earlier, I couldn’t stand the thought of not realizing my dreams as my life seemed to be a total waste. But, now If I don’t realize my goal, that’s fine, for that is the will of GOD for me. And if a stage comes where if GOD wants me to sacrifice my dream, I’ll be happy to do that.

Let the lord be praised for my strengths and weaknesses,

Let the lord be glorified by my success and failures,

Let the lord get all praise for my efforts.

Time to say good bye

Just realized that i invoked the god's and asked for their blessings when i began on this adventure of looking outside of the current team. In the last three months, it has been a roller coaster ride, what with interviewing with multiple teams in my company as well as with outside company...I would have never guessed that GOD had an altogether different level of uncertainity than what i originally envisioned...I believe it is for my best and it is in my interests...

I just received tirupathi prasadam from my friend and well, sometimes, GOD doesn;t wait too long to shower his blessings and intentions...

Do i need to write more? may be a bit... I pray to lord sairam to give me good thoughts, help me do good deeds and empower me to perform at my level best. I pray to lord ganesha to eliminate the obstacles on my way and to bless me with well-deserved success. I also bow my head to lord karthikeya to give me the courage and the will to face fears and conquer them. Above all, i pray to the almighty to keep me optimistic, fearless and willful to savor every moment of my life and to live it without any regrets.

God bless all!

Time to unlock the gates

Tried securing the blog but somehow it locked my imagination and enthusiasm to write the blogs..So, after one month of dilly-dallying, i have decided to lift the gates :-)))

life balanced atlast

hatred that was increasing within me vanquished and the almighty took pity on me...the tiredness, the stress, the anger, the hatred and the self-pity mode somehow eviscerated...i dont know how, but i do remember begging god on wednesday to help me conquer it and so he did! I can tell you that i feel 1000 times better now than i did in the last week or so, when i thought i was vindicated in feeling anger, hatred and vengeance towards folks who were not rightful in their attitude...now, when i forgave them or gave up my so-called desire for vengeance, i feel lighter and i can LIVE...This is the attitude i need to keep...Some nice words from my favorite song:

"band jo baje tera, kulke tu bhi saat ga"

such funny yet true words..if destiny has decided to expose you to cold chilly winter with lots of snow, there is no point on moping about it...instead, try to have fun in snow...may be build a snow man, ski around a bit and then try to get some warmth to your frozen hands near a fire place...

Amen!