The cock crowed and my eyes opened at their sound. I didn't sleep well the previous night and i was tossing around imagining how it is going to be today. Will i survive the day or will my beloved survive today was the question hovering in my mind? It is not like we didn't fight wars before or that we didn't face mighty armies, but the bitterness and the passion associated with this war is huge and that scares me. Kaurava's are a mighty army and even though we defeated them several times, facing them in a war puts this in a different ball game all together. I need to practice for some time and saying so, i got up.
I picked up my bow and arrows and went to the practice area. I strung my bow and my ears were awaiting the soothing sound of an arrow leaving a bow. People might assume that i was naturally born to be an archer, but it was not always like this. I was not good to begin with, but guidance of my guru deva and several hundreds of hours of practice brought me to this level. But, history will comfortably forget these long, boring hours or condense them comfortably to give an illusion that it was my natural talent that made things happen magically. Focus, focus i repeatedly said to myself as i saw some arrows miss their target. I was a bit disappointed by this and tried to focus harder. However, things were going down hill and my memory failed me as i couldn't remember some vedic chants associated with the astras conferred to me by the devatas. I felt a little anxious as a lot seems to ride upon me in this war. My brothers count on me big time and i should deliver the goods. Without me, the kauravas will doubly rejoice and try to crush our army. Pitamaha and gurudev might go easy on us, but duryodhan and karan will show no such mercy. Karan will definitely try to slay me and to prove to the world that he is the best archer. Of course, i cannot blame him, because i would do the same if i were him and even now i will not spare him, even if i spare the rest of the kaurava army. Why do i hate him so much? Is it because i'm trying to reciprocate his hatred for me or is it because i believe somewhere deep within my heart that he is a better archer than me? I have defeated him easily in our previous encounters, but this war is as much a litmus test to him as it is to me to prove our capabilities.
I decided there was no point in further practice because of my wavering mind. I decided to come out of my camp to take a walk and just calm myself. As i came out, i saw soldiers getting ready, servants tending out to their masters, horses being fed, elephants being bathed and everyone being busy. None seems to understand the magnitude of this war that has befallen upon us, or perhaps trying to ignore their thoughts. As i walked by, i saw many people respectfully saluting to me and slowly whispering to each other. I slowly passed by the tents of my brothers, but i wasn't in a mood to talk to them. I knew they would also be in the same mood as iam right now. I moved on and saw krishna's tent. I felt a wave of peace come over me as i tried to imagine on what he would be doing right now? Would he be playing with his flute or would he be eating butter or would he be like the rest of us worrying about it? But krishna will not suffer like us, i know. He is the almighty and i'm sure he would be the only person among both the camps who would be in a state of total, ah i cannot describe it. It won't be happiness, it won't be sadness and it is not dryness, it is that state where he knows everything and still being unaware. It is contradictory i know, but how else can i describe him? I'm sure at this very moment he can answer me about who will win the war and who will survive, but yet he isn't worried about that. He somehow manages to push those end results to the back of the mind and live like a normal human being. I know, i know, my talk doesn't make much sense, but words cannot accurately describe everything and i'm not a poet...besides, words do not do justice to him..These thoughts made me loose track of time and i'm almost at the end of the pandava camp. I paused for a while to see the morning sun and i could see the kaurava army camp from the place i was standing.
The hastinapura flag was waving to the chilly morning air and a sense of nostalgia gripped over me. My ancestors must have proudly saluted to that flag, carried that over on their shoulders and would have experienced a sense of euphoria on seeing that flag waving high in the air. But, none of them would have imagined that there would be a day when their own kinsmen would fight amidst themselves and that the flag would be pulled by one of their descendants..I would be anyone on this wretched day but pitamaha. I could even be duryodhan for that matter but not pitamaha. Ah, a man dedicates his entire life for a cause and at the end sees that the cause will no longer exist due to the stupidity of his own men. My fate is not far from him, though. All the people i hold close to my heart are on my opposite side, except for krishna. Even krishna being on my side was a miracle. If duryodhan had made the right choice, he would have chosen krishna.If my dearest step brother had that knack, we would have not been here fighting each other. He would have happily accepted the proposal put forward by krishna and would have gladly given us the five villages. I would have been glad to live in a village peacefully with my brothers, family and krishna than to come here and face my own kinsmen. who knows? may be pitamaha, gurudeva and the rest would have been happier to come to us than stay in the company of duryodhan, karan and that cunning shakuni. Let them enjoy their riches, but i would have had a contentment which is above that. Of course, historians would depict the pandavas as cowards who didn't follow the kshatriya dharma and who didn't protect the dharm, but who cares about them? Even if we win this war, the same historians would project us as blood thirsty war mongers who couldn't resist the vulgarity of the riches and went after slaughtering their own kith and kin mercilessly just so that they can sit on the throne. Again, who will tell the wailing women and their children that their husbands, brothers and fathers were killed so that pandavas could protect the dharma? besides, what is dharma? Shouldn't dharma be protected by some powers which are beyond us? Shouldn't it be protected by krishna or shiva or the gods to whom we offer our prayers? Perhaps, they should stand up for dharma and leave mortals like us to not have to make that choice? I'm sure krishna could have killed duryodhan in a split of a second and brought this war to an end without any bloodshed. But, he chose not to do so, and instead decided to cast us into this game to see how we would perform? Why? why make things so complicated when there are simple solutions? Krishna, why do you torment us so much? You stand next to us, you offer our shoulders when we cry, you wipe our tears, you stand by us as others insult us, but why do you let this happen in the first place? Couldn't you who knew everything warn my brother about the evil schemes of kauravas? Couldn't you stop my brother from pawning off everything in the dice game? Couldn't you stop duryodhan from insulting us? You were a bystander all along. Even now, you are a bystander. You detest war and you go to the kaurava camp to stop this war. You stoop down in front of kauravas and you even offer them that we will accept only 5 villages? But, you still egg us on to go to the war? What good would be those five villages? Why cannot we just leave duryodhan and walk away saying, oh, duryodhan, you win...we are afraid of you and we cannot fight you, we will leave the place and go somewhere else. We are strong and we can survive, as we did for the last thirteen years. If my brother really wants to be a king, i'm sure we can do that somewhere else.
Alas, this is easier to say than to do. It will require a lot of courage to do something like this. Perhaps, history might make me a caricature for even thinking like this. What would they say?
"The great arjuna who single handedly defeated many vast armies saw his brothers and relatives on the other side and decided to renunciate his dharma and became a coward. Arjuna, the great grand son of bheeshma, the beloved disciple of dronacharya, the busom friend of krishna and above all the warrior who fought lord shiva himself ran away from dharma when his own people transgressed and there upon brought shame upon everyone who knew him and were friends to him".
Should i let this happen? No! I'll will not. As a warrior, it has been my birth right to fight and so i have done uptil now. My destiny has been to live and breathe in this battle field and so it shall be. I;m an archer and my duty is to fight. I will emulate my bow and arrow who do not question about why they are being used, on whom they are being used. They trust their archer and follow his will. So, shall i follow, the will of lord and my god, krishna. With him on my side and charioteering my rath, why should i worry about things that i cannot fathom? I hear the sound for warriors to get ready. I better hurry and get ready.
Jai krishna!
(P.S: I want to right sometime about bhagawad geeta, but i need to read it, assimilate it for a while...it is way too much for me to comprehend, let alone blog upon...until then i will try to write about something else)...
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