Fateful dusheera@shirdi, 1918

what would be like if i was in shirdi on that fateful day? this is the question that popped into my head while i was at the temple today on dusheera celebrations...on a side note, today has been wonderful since i not only got a wonderful darshan at the temple, but also got to sing aarthi to baba, which was totally unexpected. Thank you baba!

Anyways, what would it be like to be shirdi @ 1918? I assume, it would have been just another day where you got up, took your pooja, did your bath and then proceed to masjid to see baba...nothing surprising there. You see that baba is a little sick and you mentally offer your pranam's. Before the masjid gets crowded, you would have loved to go near baba, speak to him a little bit and do some chit chat with him. If you were worried about something, you would have asked baba about your problems and ask them to be solved by him. After that, you would come out of the masjid with an air of satisfaction, go to a near by cafe and had some morning breakfast. Since there were no news papers in villages, you would go to a near by tree, sit by, do chit chat and wait for the madhyana aarthi....As you were engrossed in the chit chat, you hear the news that baba is sick...you would run off to the masjid and see baba having trouble difficulty breathing. You slowly realize that today might be his last, but you quickly brush off the thoughts saying, he is GOD and that he would never leave his mortal coil. After all, he loves you and he would be there for you to achieve salvation. How would he leave you in the middle? As doubts start to torment you, you see him coughing and spitting blood, which makes you cry instantaneously...you get angrier since you know that nothing is out of his reach, then why on earth is he tormenting himself and there by tormenting you? You cannot see this, you don't want to think, you don't want to hear and yet you refuse to budge even when asked to leave. You want to cling onto him like a son holding his mother's pallu and you don't take your eyes off with the fear that he might be no more. You start reading all the mantra's and salutations with the hope that something might be able to ward off this. You start to think about his omnipotence and try to assure yourself that he is doing this to test your love for him. Suddenly, he stops coughing and he draws his hand, pointing it towards you and asks you to come closer to him. You slowly walk towards him, tears still strolling down your eyes and sit next to him. You touch his feet, bow down with your head and then as you lift your head, you hear a cry saying that baba is no more.

You suddenly realize that life has lost its meaning...you sob uncontrollably, you do not care for surroundings and above all, you do not care for the things that have cherished so dearly above sai. The land, the money, the kids and the family which gave you so much high, the things that you would ask for baba, you don't care...you just dwell in the present moment wondering what is going to happen next? who is going to guide you? where do you turn for happiness? Life is suddenly struck by lightening and you are stranded alone. You get angry on yourself and on his almighty as well. How can he die? He, who has done so many miracles in front of your own eyes, he who has given a new life to so many people, how can he not protect his own self? Is he out of his mind? Doesn't he know his own greatness? You slowly crawl towards him and start shaking his head in a vain attempt to restore him. may be, he will get up and realize his own greatness? However, his body is stiff and your attempts are in vain. People try to move you away from him and ask you to control yourself, but you cannot. You are angry and fuming at yourself now. You run away from there since it hurts to see a great man meeting the end of a commoner. At some point, you wonder whether it was one of those bad night mares from which there is an escape. May be if you get up, it will be alright. You pinch yourself and realize that it hurts. But that hurt is no where comparable to what you are feeling inside your heart.

You slowly realize the graveness of the situation. You come to terms with the fact that you will never see god roaming on the earth again, at least not in a form that you have gotten used to. You understand how lucky you were to sit next to him, chat with him and tease him like a normal human being. You compare yourself fortune to the gopika's in brindavan, to the people of ayodhya and mathura...you also feel ashamed that you were not sincere in your endeavors and that you would have been more advanced in your spiritual efforts, if you treated him with the respect he deserved. Instead, you got entrapped about his mortal coil and his familiarity for you and didn't focus on making the most of this wonderful oppurtunity. You start feeling repentant, but it still doesn't fill that void. why, god why? You secretly wish that the death that didn't spare a great man like baba would come towards you as well. After all, blood hounds don't get satisfied with one, they need more. You wish at this very moment, you drop dead. Your respiration stops or you fall down with a big thud and thats the end of it. But, that doesn't happen. Death seems to be content with its prey and doesn't want to come towards you. After having the taste of a saint, why would it want to rush towards a lowly vermin like you. You don't die and you are still there..

As you come to terms with your life, you feel sad that you left baba there all alone and you rush towards masjid. There is still some hope left in your heart that he will get up, like he did the last time. As you reach the masjid steps, you see lot of noise. You see hindus and muslims fighting over what to do with baba's mortal coil. You see his body separating these groups and you see people fighting and arguing. You feel even more disgusted and see his sullen face. You feel sad within your guts since you see the work of a great saint down the drain, barely in a few hours after he left his mortal frame. His preaching of respect for other religions, his discourses on viragya and his simple teaching of love for your fellow devotess is all but forgotten. Now, these people are arguing about what to do with body, which is just like everyone else and has lost its charm since he no longer resides in it? You imagine his atma crying bitterly, wailing like you, saying out loud that it was his mistake to believe that people change and that it shouldn't have descended from heaven. You are helpless as well since there is no point arguing with bullheads. However, that doesn't stop you from deciding to do something. As you gaze around to see what you can do, you realize that nobody has sung aarthi and an inspiration strikes you to do aarthi. You become emotional again since this will be the first time you will be singing aarthi without him next to you, but you realize that it must be done, no matter how painful it is going to be. You slowly start organizing yourself and then start chanting aarthi loud. The verbal fight which reached its peak by this moment starts to be dispersed with the aarthi words and people of both parties start to realize their folly. They quickly disperse away and start to sing aarthi along with you. People with folded hands start to sing along and for a moment, you forget that baba is no longer alive. just for a moment, though...As is your habit of annointing baba, you take chandan and your hands automatically reach out to baba's neck, alas, there is no baba....instead, you see emptiness...it is hard for you to move to his corpse and anoint. yet, you go ahead and do it....somehow, the aarthi finishes and you drag yourself outside of the masjid to your home for sleep. You dread this very moment since your thoughts will come back to torment you. You hate being left alone, but you do not want to mix with people either, since the sadness in your heart is still fresh and you want to cry to your heart's content.

You go home and do not take food, even as pleas from your family members fall to deaf ears. You lock yourself up and lay down. As the room is filled with darkness, so is your heart. You see no light anywhere near and your mind slowly shows you glimpses of his wonderful presence. His laughter, his peculiar way of telling stories, his anger when you didn't heed to his words and his showering of love upon you. As you ponder about life, a slow voice that was hidden way tells you to not be afraid. You wonder at its bravery and try to shout it down saying, how can i not be afraid since my savior is gone? The little voice keeps growing stronger recounting to you how foolish you were to think that baba was limited to a mortal body and that he is present with you at this very moment. As you try to mentally analyze this, you make a challenge saying that you would believe this if you see him alive, behold, there he is standing in front of you. You cry with happiness and all your sadness is washed away. He looks at you lovingly and tells you to not worry about the mistakes you made, for they are inevitable and a true devotee would see baba's will in everything, not just in his greatness..Baba lovingly touches your head and smears vibuthi all over your face. You love the touch of his hand and while you are staring at him, he simply says to you, "why fear? when i;m here"....Saying this, he disappears and you are left alone to the same darkness. However, the darkness is no longer haunting you, because you feel his presence and you see darkness as just a temporary break before the sunrise.

You feel confident. All your imaginary fears are washed away and you no longer fear live without him, for he has never left you...he is next to you, you may not see him, but his presence is felt by your heart. Your worries about not utilizing his presence are underplayed as you realize that it is not you who decides how to progress in spirituality, but your master himself. You close your eyes and you see him again...

Amen!