I visited the temple with many expectations, but somehow, i was surprisingly able to enjoy the bhajans and also concentrate on his divine form. I was meditating on baba with a begging bowl in his hand in shirdi. I was imagining to be next to baba with a begging bowl of my own and begging as well, leaving aside all sense of ego, shame and dignity. I seem to hate my thought process which has led me to run after vanity, self importance and a true liberation for a person of my ilk would be to live on top of a mountain, away from any social contact and with a very humble means of living. Of course, none of this will work if my thought process continues to be the same way, but how do i change it? that, to me, is the million dollar question?
For about an hour, i would say i was trying to meditate. I use the word try here since many a times, my mind gets adrift and tries to take this one idea and go along with it...just like spider man, who spins one web after another and gets going, similarly, my mind takes this one little innocuous idea and then moves on happily spinning one idea after another, while i'm still seemingly meditating with my eyes closed. I realize this after a few minutes passed by and then i put some effort to meditate on baba or jesus or swami vivekananda et al. Can this be called meditation? or does meditation only refer to no thought zone alone?
After an hour, things got messy....baba arrived upon the lady and people wanted to go to baba and talk to him. The volunteers queued first to get baba's glimpse and that didn't struck nice to me. Granted that they are devotees as well and they would also want to get baba's darshan, but i expected the volunteer's to go last, setting an example for the rest of us to follow, which is about being immersed in spiritual bliss than hanker for his mortal frame. In a way, it is easy to say than follow, since who would not want to talk to baba directly, if given an option? For that matter, i respect the lady's family since they always give preference to the rest of us and put themselves in the last. I was trying to focus on them than see the negative things in his presence. Isn't it ironic there is baba sitting three feet away from me and yet my mind can dwell on the negatives? An hour passed by with the volunteers first going for the darshan, followed by people coming from long distance, followed by elderly people etc...there was a lot of commotion and my mind correlated this to tirupathy balaji temple, where things get very messy as soon as you enter the swami's abode. I tried to calm my mind down, but it was almost impossible. Then somehow, it turned against baba since it probably weighed itself down with its unrealistic expectations around baba treating me in some 'special', 'grandiose' way...i don't blame it since it is human to have expectations and you always want to be treated special. I also needed to go to the rest room and somehow, it is very chaotic which i didn't appreciate. The chaos was not needed and i felt a little more thought would have made the whole thing smooth for everyone of us. My mind at that point was telling baba to help me get there somehow and that i was not appreciating his behavior towards me, where he was not letting me come to his sharan and get his darshan from close quarters. It was not that i was feeling insulted, but i just didn't have enough patience.
Patience is the key word here and it seems to me that i don't have patience for anything. Sad, isn't it? Especially for a person who is a follower of baba (saburi translates to patience). Somehow, he took mercy on my plight and made one of the volunteer ask me to join the line since i was there waiting for a long time. This made feel again pampered by baba and join the line in a relenting mood. A sense of shame swept over my child like behavior and i had some questions about my attitude. Is this what i represent? I'm hardly five feet away from baba, yet, i'm living in my own world, trapped by my own ego? I joined the line and then my mind after getting a new boost to ego started praying again. I also imagined my wife next to me since she would have given up anything to be here on this joyful occasion of baba's birthday. I also remembered my dad and my mom who were having a wonderful celebrations of their own. As the line slowly crawled forward, i was rehearsing on what to ask from baba? I always hankered for inner peace and that is what i was going to ask. I also wanted to say that my wife has offered her pranam's as well. I was also holding onto a greeting card for baba on his birthday and it sounded great when i came up with the idea, but sounded silly and childish at that point of time. I wanted to simply leave it at his statue, but somehow couldn't think of doing that. In the end, i decided to give it to him.
Finally my turn arrived. I went forward and sat on my knees, took his blessing and was waiting, but he seemed to smoking hukkah. I didn't know what to do as i got around a minute just looking at him. I wanted to hold on to his feet, but i was wearing jeans and didn't put on my belt...Bending for extended periods of time risked the danger of people seeing my rear part live as well as on the big screen tv that was showing the live recording down stairs. So, i just sat there observing him and waiting for him to look at me. I didn't understand on how i should take this? A divine, rare oppurtunity to observe a godly person for an extended period of time? or god being angry with me and refusing to give me darshan? I was a little afraid that he would chase me away from there, like he used to do in shirdi. Finally, he looked towards me, and i handed him the card. The next 60 seconds were kind of blurry to me, but i vaguely remember him putting his hand on my head, blessing me and giving me a flower, vibuthi, a rudraskha (which i mistook to sweet candy and tried to eat it) and a pan. I didn't have an opportunity to ask him any questions and probably forgot about them when i was there. I also wanted to say that my wife is offering her blessings but i didn't muster the courage to say that...is that what i represent? A spineless wimp? Let me not do more self loathing now...i will reserve that for another day.
I came out, had my dinner and then decided to leave. I didn't wait to watch baba cut his birthday cake since i felt that the crowd was too big as well as i felt a little shaken up after everything. I felt very ashamed that i was not at my perfect self yesterday and that deep down i'm still that spoilt brat who has no patience. Sure, i read books, sure i question, sure i try to be spiritual, but yet, when the rubber hits the road, i'm still behaving like an adolescent guy (which i was when i was 17!!). I was a little disappointed by the time i was on high way and then i started wondering how cynical and pessimistic my thought process is? If the same experiences happened to my wife, she would be on cloud 9 right now...not everyone gets the touch of god's hand on your head and not everyone gets a rudraksha from baba himself...yet, my mind is not satisfied. It still sees short comings, mis givings...how can i change this glass is always half empty thinking? I really admire my spouse on this regard. She has got an infinitely positive attitude and she makes the most of the things that are handed out to her. Yours truly on the other hand is known to be a pessimist and a cynic (don't know the difference b/w those) and seem to always trying to make sure that the glass is full, which i don't think will ever happen. But what to do? If the holy hand of god doesn't make a difference, then what else will? Only time will answer this.
Omsairam!
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