Shirdi and happiness

Since i have been talking about shirdi, dwarakamai and baba, i want to talk about this today. This thursday, i was at the temple and was doing my pooja...However, my mind was vacillating  and there were times where it almost went to real world. After the pooja was over, i felt very empty. I had the feeling that nothing has changed for me in the last 17 years i have known baba...my vasana's are strong as ever and my morality is very much the same. I don't seem to have changed as a human being and my interest in the materialistic world is strong as an ox. So, the thought was, what use was my prayer? what use was my spirituality, if it cannot guarantee me peace? After these many years, i'm still feeble and i cannot control my mind nor its randomness. It affects me, controls me every bit and i'm a slave to it just as anybody. My mind seems to have lot of ideas but no execution plan. It seems to be that eternal critic that destroys everything i build and then later propels me to destroy the next thing that i'm building...What use is spirituality when it cannot control my own mind? It is not like i want to not embrace spirituality and go 180 degrees the other way. That also doesn't interest me. So, the question that i had and the dis enchantment was if you are a person who cannot be happy when you are almost a whisker away from god, then what will give you happiness? I don't want to be like a billionare or the greatest guy on the planet...i just want peace, peace and peace. However, whenever i seem to get to close to peace, my mind kind of stimulates me into destroying that and forces me into something else. A person hankering for peace would settle down in one place and then will maintain a routine. However, i don;t do that and i seem to hate the idea of a routine. At this point, i'm as clueless as you around understanding what i want and the only thing that i seem to like is the idea of being in charge or control and not having anyone sit above me. Good luck in finding such a place, may be in an unreal world? but, it is not like i'm asking GOD to grant me my wishes, obviously i do not want that. I'm asking him for peace and the power to not listen and pursue every single thought that pops up into my mind, which seems to be working overtime these days.

Besides, shouldn't all of the things that i'm praying for happen automatically? You are like in shirdi and you are seeing baba...shouldn't that destroy my confusion and make me feel serene? It doesn't seem to happen in my case and my monkey mind is tormenting me. Please don't tell me that not all of the people in shirdi benefitted from baba's presence. Or am i like that unfortunate ones who being close to GOD cannot benefit from it? If that indeed is the scenario, what else is left for me in life? Should i just accept the fact this very unfortunate fact and continue? Or do i wait for the fact that something miraculous will happen that will change my very way of life? Or will there be a third alternative where i will organically be changed? That seems to be a realistic scenario where i transform, but given my state of progress, it will take a long, long time for me to actually change...

Omsairam!