Planning and stuff

Tomorrow, the six week hiatus is coming to an end. When the period began, i didn't know what i wanted to do. I did have some ideas in my brain and also a certain mentality around trying to keep myself at home and expose it to extreme levels of solitude to see how it will behave, but that didn't happen. Instead, i socialized more than i usually do. Also, some of my other ideas around preparing for GMAT and working on my novel didn't move far enough. Isn't it funny? I couldn't even properly plan for 6 weeks and there are times when i'm planning for my entire life? Is it only me or is it really tough for anyone to plan? But it was not like, i was swept over by fate or something. I had a choice of rejecting the dance show and focus on the things i planned for. However, i seem to hate doing things that are already planned and more interested in doing things that randomly show up. So, well, i cannot really complain then. Anyways, whatever happened has been fun and for a person like me, it doesn't really help to plan. So, a mental note for the future is not stop planning or be ready to accept that plans will not always work. Anyways, six weeks have passed by very quickly and there were lots of fun moments, some tense moments and a few bad moments as well.

What is worth living for?

This was the question that popped into my head this week...what is it that we are living for? At least i used to fool myself to think that i'm living for happiness, but there doesn't seem to be the concept of eternal happiness...happiness seems to play hide and seek and at some point, you just lose interest in chasing happiness. There are some fortunate ones who believe they are living to make money or status, but it seems too lowly and too unbecoming of me...then there are those that focus on living for the will of god folks, but that is too stupid...how do i know the word of god? Who knows what he wants you to do and how are you supposed to listen to emptiness? There are those who say you to trust your inner voice, but my inner voice seems to talk a lot non stop and f i dutifully listen to all its yapping, i might as well join an asylum, since it seems to lost its balance. The only chance for someone like me is to emulate someone who has already found the way of life, but most of the time these seemed to be people who found something more outside of themselves, like in a spiritual fashion. I've ranted many times about how difficult it is to find spiritualism at a work place and with this capitalistic, reward performace crap, it becomes increasingly difficult for people to maintain spiritualistic attitude at work place, which is about 1/2 of the active hours an active human being has...Anyways, i'm not typing answers but just contemplating on how difficult it is to stay motivated and focussed in this world which seems chaotic and too much to digest at times...my mind always races to my student days where things were more simpler...the whole purpose of life at that time was to find a job and a love...after having both of those for quite a while now, it suddenly seems tough to focus on what next? leaving everything and running away to himalayas seems too cheesy and more like a bad self help book, whereas being cut throat and going up the corporate ladder with razor sharp focus sounds too unfamiliar for my monkey brain...what do you think is worth living for? if you have anything interesting, post it.

Fateful dusheera@shirdi, 1918

what would be like if i was in shirdi on that fateful day? this is the question that popped into my head while i was at the temple today on dusheera celebrations...on a side note, today has been wonderful since i not only got a wonderful darshan at the temple, but also got to sing aarthi to baba, which was totally unexpected. Thank you baba!

Anyways, what would it be like to be shirdi @ 1918? I assume, it would have been just another day where you got up, took your pooja, did your bath and then proceed to masjid to see baba...nothing surprising there. You see that baba is a little sick and you mentally offer your pranam's. Before the masjid gets crowded, you would have loved to go near baba, speak to him a little bit and do some chit chat with him. If you were worried about something, you would have asked baba about your problems and ask them to be solved by him. After that, you would come out of the masjid with an air of satisfaction, go to a near by cafe and had some morning breakfast. Since there were no news papers in villages, you would go to a near by tree, sit by, do chit chat and wait for the madhyana aarthi....As you were engrossed in the chit chat, you hear the news that baba is sick...you would run off to the masjid and see baba having trouble difficulty breathing. You slowly realize that today might be his last, but you quickly brush off the thoughts saying, he is GOD and that he would never leave his mortal coil. After all, he loves you and he would be there for you to achieve salvation. How would he leave you in the middle? As doubts start to torment you, you see him coughing and spitting blood, which makes you cry instantaneously...you get angrier since you know that nothing is out of his reach, then why on earth is he tormenting himself and there by tormenting you? You cannot see this, you don't want to think, you don't want to hear and yet you refuse to budge even when asked to leave. You want to cling onto him like a son holding his mother's pallu and you don't take your eyes off with the fear that he might be no more. You start reading all the mantra's and salutations with the hope that something might be able to ward off this. You start to think about his omnipotence and try to assure yourself that he is doing this to test your love for him. Suddenly, he stops coughing and he draws his hand, pointing it towards you and asks you to come closer to him. You slowly walk towards him, tears still strolling down your eyes and sit next to him. You touch his feet, bow down with your head and then as you lift your head, you hear a cry saying that baba is no more.

You suddenly realize that life has lost its meaning...you sob uncontrollably, you do not care for surroundings and above all, you do not care for the things that have cherished so dearly above sai. The land, the money, the kids and the family which gave you so much high, the things that you would ask for baba, you don't care...you just dwell in the present moment wondering what is going to happen next? who is going to guide you? where do you turn for happiness? Life is suddenly struck by lightening and you are stranded alone. You get angry on yourself and on his almighty as well. How can he die? He, who has done so many miracles in front of your own eyes, he who has given a new life to so many people, how can he not protect his own self? Is he out of his mind? Doesn't he know his own greatness? You slowly crawl towards him and start shaking his head in a vain attempt to restore him. may be, he will get up and realize his own greatness? However, his body is stiff and your attempts are in vain. People try to move you away from him and ask you to control yourself, but you cannot. You are angry and fuming at yourself now. You run away from there since it hurts to see a great man meeting the end of a commoner. At some point, you wonder whether it was one of those bad night mares from which there is an escape. May be if you get up, it will be alright. You pinch yourself and realize that it hurts. But that hurt is no where comparable to what you are feeling inside your heart.

You slowly realize the graveness of the situation. You come to terms with the fact that you will never see god roaming on the earth again, at least not in a form that you have gotten used to. You understand how lucky you were to sit next to him, chat with him and tease him like a normal human being. You compare yourself fortune to the gopika's in brindavan, to the people of ayodhya and mathura...you also feel ashamed that you were not sincere in your endeavors and that you would have been more advanced in your spiritual efforts, if you treated him with the respect he deserved. Instead, you got entrapped about his mortal coil and his familiarity for you and didn't focus on making the most of this wonderful oppurtunity. You start feeling repentant, but it still doesn't fill that void. why, god why? You secretly wish that the death that didn't spare a great man like baba would come towards you as well. After all, blood hounds don't get satisfied with one, they need more. You wish at this very moment, you drop dead. Your respiration stops or you fall down with a big thud and thats the end of it. But, that doesn't happen. Death seems to be content with its prey and doesn't want to come towards you. After having the taste of a saint, why would it want to rush towards a lowly vermin like you. You don't die and you are still there..

As you come to terms with your life, you feel sad that you left baba there all alone and you rush towards masjid. There is still some hope left in your heart that he will get up, like he did the last time. As you reach the masjid steps, you see lot of noise. You see hindus and muslims fighting over what to do with baba's mortal coil. You see his body separating these groups and you see people fighting and arguing. You feel even more disgusted and see his sullen face. You feel sad within your guts since you see the work of a great saint down the drain, barely in a few hours after he left his mortal frame. His preaching of respect for other religions, his discourses on viragya and his simple teaching of love for your fellow devotess is all but forgotten. Now, these people are arguing about what to do with body, which is just like everyone else and has lost its charm since he no longer resides in it? You imagine his atma crying bitterly, wailing like you, saying out loud that it was his mistake to believe that people change and that it shouldn't have descended from heaven. You are helpless as well since there is no point arguing with bullheads. However, that doesn't stop you from deciding to do something. As you gaze around to see what you can do, you realize that nobody has sung aarthi and an inspiration strikes you to do aarthi. You become emotional again since this will be the first time you will be singing aarthi without him next to you, but you realize that it must be done, no matter how painful it is going to be. You slowly start organizing yourself and then start chanting aarthi loud. The verbal fight which reached its peak by this moment starts to be dispersed with the aarthi words and people of both parties start to realize their folly. They quickly disperse away and start to sing aarthi along with you. People with folded hands start to sing along and for a moment, you forget that baba is no longer alive. just for a moment, though...As is your habit of annointing baba, you take chandan and your hands automatically reach out to baba's neck, alas, there is no baba....instead, you see emptiness...it is hard for you to move to his corpse and anoint. yet, you go ahead and do it....somehow, the aarthi finishes and you drag yourself outside of the masjid to your home for sleep. You dread this very moment since your thoughts will come back to torment you. You hate being left alone, but you do not want to mix with people either, since the sadness in your heart is still fresh and you want to cry to your heart's content.

You go home and do not take food, even as pleas from your family members fall to deaf ears. You lock yourself up and lay down. As the room is filled with darkness, so is your heart. You see no light anywhere near and your mind slowly shows you glimpses of his wonderful presence. His laughter, his peculiar way of telling stories, his anger when you didn't heed to his words and his showering of love upon you. As you ponder about life, a slow voice that was hidden way tells you to not be afraid. You wonder at its bravery and try to shout it down saying, how can i not be afraid since my savior is gone? The little voice keeps growing stronger recounting to you how foolish you were to think that baba was limited to a mortal body and that he is present with you at this very moment. As you try to mentally analyze this, you make a challenge saying that you would believe this if you see him alive, behold, there he is standing in front of you. You cry with happiness and all your sadness is washed away. He looks at you lovingly and tells you to not worry about the mistakes you made, for they are inevitable and a true devotee would see baba's will in everything, not just in his greatness..Baba lovingly touches your head and smears vibuthi all over your face. You love the touch of his hand and while you are staring at him, he simply says to you, "why fear? when i;m here"....Saying this, he disappears and you are left alone to the same darkness. However, the darkness is no longer haunting you, because you feel his presence and you see darkness as just a temporary break before the sunrise.

You feel confident. All your imaginary fears are washed away and you no longer fear live without him, for he has never left you...he is next to you, you may not see him, but his presence is felt by your heart. Your worries about not utilizing his presence are underplayed as you realize that it is not you who decides how to progress in spirituality, but your master himself. You close your eyes and you see him again...

Amen!

I belong to the stage not the sidelines

This was what i felt after the performance...Like i mentioned in my previous post, i did not get this high when i acted, but since i care not much for dance, my performance was well appreciated...this is called the irony of life. Anyways, it felt wonderful to be on stage after a gap of three long years and i made sure i danced to my heart's content. I, so wish to go back to being on stage and performing, but don't know when that will happen again?

The day started with a dampener. Some of my friends said that they wanted my help to get some flowers for the function and hence the day began @ 3:30...I woke up and waited patiently but they never showed up. At 6 am, i decided to call it off and then went back to sleep. Later, i found out that they decided to not wake me up since it was time consuming and energy sapping...I woke up @ 9:30 again and then spent some time browsing and gulping another cup of coffee. However, i was feeling very dissipated and low..It went on like this for quite sometime and this caused me the worry of whether my energy levels will be low during the actual performance. Time moved very slowly and my mind was on how to raise my sapping energy levels. I tried taking a vitamin tablet and also eating some muffin to get some sugar in the body, but they didn't seem to help. I also had to deal with the fire alarm inspection guy and luckily that went off without any hiccups.

Finally, i went there by 2 pm but i was still tired. I went there and was going through the moments while getting ready with the costume, make up and the adorning of the fake mustache :-) ...We rehearsed couple of times and i found out that i was forgetting some steps. This caused a shock since i was already imagining that i will be a laughing stock and to add to that i had to go to the rest room with that pancha...i didn't understand how people had to answer nature calls with such complicated setup. As i was trying to decipher the pancha and its complexity, i finally found out a way to go to the restroom without having to undo the whole setup. I was way too excited and had to almost stop myself from becoming the next Archimedes who apparently had one of those 'eureka' moments and started running naked across the streets of athens...Luckily, i had my pancha on. This comfort allowed me to gulp as much vitamin water as i could as well as visit the rest room as often as i could. For the next one hour, i was in this caught in this cycle of going to rest room and drinking vitamin water.

Finally the moment of beckoning came...We were queuing near the back of the stage and were anxiously waiting for our turn. Luckily, they advanced our dance show and so the moment of reckoning came. The song that was so familiar to our ears started playing and so we started to move on to the stage in a circular fashion. The circular moment and the cheers from the crowd raised my spirits and my testosterone levels raised which eventually helped me to put in a powerful performance. I didn't realize the time except for one place where i accidentally stepped onto a jewelry piece and slipped. Luckily, i didn't fall down and i recovered very smoothly. None noticed and we got away from the stage with loud cheers from the audience. We went backstage and we started hugging each other and congratulating each other. All that effort and sweat didn't go waste and we did it...As a team, we put in a commendable performance. During the dinner break, lots of people commended our performance and i got a few personal compliments as well about my involvement in the dance as well as my smoothness. I felt happy and it reminded me of the good old times when i got similar compliments when i used to do stand up. I don't remember getting that many compliments as an actor and may be i didn't even get a single compliment, come to think of it. Sad, but true. The thing where i wanted to excel, i sucked and that hurts me to do this day. My ego tells me that i should not give up and try more but let us see where time takes me.

For now, it is about savoring the moment and reemphasizing to myself that i belong to the stage and not to the sidelines or the audience. That is where i belong and that is where i need to be. Will that happen? That is probably another matter which is best left alone to destiny and sooth sayers.

Sweet pangs of love

This world is so uncertain and unpredictable except for my love towards you. I cherish my moments with you, and i don't know how long i have to be separated from you to have those moments back. I think so much about you, but when i see you, i become frozen...so many thoughts, so many ideas and so many ways of expressing my love towards you, but i see you and i become nervous...i don't know how to convey my love for you. i just become nervous and i cannot profess how much i love you...it was easier if my thoughts were just sent in a telepathic way so that you could fathom the richness and diversity of my feelings towards you. However, those things don't exist yet and hence i continue to appear to you as a cold hearted one...What can i say? I've never been one of those who would grab a chance and run with it. Instead, i'm delegated to the sidelines where i usually ponder and wonder on how things could have been.

Still, i admire the love you shower towards me without even the slightest chance of reciprocal. How do you do that? Is that what love is meant to be? To shower your affection without expecting anything in return? If so, why am i still not able to break all the shackles? Why am i still helpless? Why cannot i break all the shackles i have created around myself and run towards you with my arms open? Ah, the misery of being a conformist.

I wonder if you spend as much time as i do about thinking of the things that happened between us? I wonder if you think about me all the time or only when i pass by you? I wonder if you take all of those little, inconsequential moments and have a mental replay, wondering about how i could have seized the chance and made them better? I spend a lot of time thinking, replaying and improvising for all the moments that passed by, for the moments that are passing by and for the moments that would eventually pass by. Ah, i wish i could have been different and actually be one of those guys who excel in these situations...those who can charm anyone straight away and those whose very presence lightens up the room.

Time is so cruel, isn't it? It catches me by surprise and flies away when i'm next to you. However, it comes to a standstill when i'm away from you, there by not sparing the misery of knowing my follies. Ah, the sweet pangs of love? The pain it induces, the misery it causes and the salvation it gives...I know it hurts, but i would rather be hurt by love than be away from it...

The dance of life

today is our performance day...we have been rehearsing for like 2 weeks and before you know it is show time...However, i'm not worried about that...somehow, i don't feel the same nervousness and anxiety that i used to feel for my theater. Well, life is like that...what you care about, you get anxious and worried, whereas the stuff you don't care about, you are good at it...I don't have any complaints though...the last two weeks have passed by like whirlwind and this helped to just breeze through life without any worries. Life as a single guy can get boring and depressing at times, so this has been a welcome break. And since my original plan was to do nothing, this didn't really cancel my other commitments. I do feel that my bhagavatha parayanam slowed down, but it is good to read it at slower pace...Anyways, after today, there is going to be a lot of FREE time and that is the time to focus and concentrate more on my bhagavatha reading. So, well, God has been kind to take care of me in the last few weeks and i get the feeling that i'm slowly settling down to a routine, which is good since this shows that life is steadying itself....Anyways, that is a topic for another day and for me the moment is about going and rocking the stage!

Omsairam!

what is love?

I scream from the top of my voice, I LOVE YOU!! I listen to radio songs edifying love, i sing along and i try to be a school boy again, like when i was 16...My mind tries to ask me questions, but i just tell it to SHUT UP!!! This is not the time to ponder but it is the time to rejoice....Isn't it magical when love happens? Life is same old, same old but love changes everything. It suddenly turns your life to disneyland, where anything can happen...mickey mouse greeting you, fireworks in the night and of course the innumerable rides that bumps up your testosterone levels....what is this magic called love? How does it happen? Scientists equate it to some hormones getting bumped up and they say it can happen with chocolate as well...let me tell you one thing...it doesn't happen that way...i have tried all kinds of chocolate including the horrible 90% dark chocolate and it is nothing when compared to love...may be thats what we need to invest our time? Find that perfect potion or hormone tablets that can bring love to your heart. No worries, no problems...World will be filled with love...And all these psychiatrists/psychologists will be out of business, for sure. Why do i need to pay someone to talk to about my problems? When love is there, there are no problems....Oh, the power of a simple smile from your beloved is enough....i used to laugh when poets would go overboard about love with stuff like, why do i need the world when i have you? I can spend eternity looking at your ocean-like eyes, your smile makes my troubles disappear...It is all sooo true...And the amazing thing is you don't need to be next to your beloved. They can be miles apart and yet the power of love doesn't tone down....the memories that make you feel filled with joy and peace, the conversations that would go along for hours and those anxious moments when you feel nervous about looking at them directly and those emotions that don't seem to hide when you need them to....what more can i say? Of course, love does have the tendency to play hide and seek, but you need to be patient...you need to know enough tricks so that you don't give up...you just wait for it and behold, it finds you...All i can say is I LOVE YOU, LOVE!!!

Shirdi baba birthday experience

Yesterday they celebrated baba's birthday and it also happened to be my marriage day. So, when i visited the temple, my expectations were pretty high. Also, it was a day where a personal oath taken by me came to frutition...on my first visit, i prayed baba to help me visit him eleven times uninterruptedly to this temple (i don;t remember eleven thursdays or eleven visits)...I believe my intention was subconsciously eleven visits, even though i might have said eleven thursday's...you might be wondering on why am i elaborating this? Next thursday, i may not be able to go to the temple due to my dance practise and hence the effort to understand god's meaning around my oath...Anyways, it seems to be silly to try to understand god's intent with my limited, self-centered brain. I believe, my eleven thursday oath culminated this weekend when i visited baba's temple for the 11th time, on baba's birthday and my marriage day. Of course, i don't want to say that it was 'I' who did it, since i, for one, know that i'm useless, confused and pathetic and without his drawing me towards him, this wouldn't have been possible. I surely lack will power, patience and it is a near to miracle scenario that i have not only been able to visit the temple but also enjoy this experience. In a way, the visit to SFO baba temple is an oasis for me in this world of dryness.

I visited the temple with many expectations, but somehow, i was surprisingly able to enjoy the bhajans and also concentrate on his divine form. I was meditating on baba with a begging bowl in his hand in shirdi. I was imagining to be next to baba with a begging bowl of my own and begging as well, leaving aside all sense of ego, shame and dignity. I seem to hate my thought process which has led me to run after vanity, self importance and a true liberation for a person of my ilk would be to live on top of a mountain, away from any social contact and with a very humble means of living. Of course, none of this will work if my thought process continues to be the same way, but how do i change it? that, to me, is the million dollar question?

  
For about an hour, i would say i was trying to meditate. I use the word try here since many a times, my mind gets adrift and tries to take this one idea and go along with it...just like spider man, who spins one web after another and gets going, similarly, my mind takes this one little innocuous idea and then moves on happily spinning one idea after another, while i'm still seemingly meditating with my eyes closed. I realize this after a few minutes passed by and then i put some effort to meditate on baba or jesus or swami vivekananda et al. Can this be called meditation? or does meditation only refer to no thought zone alone?

After an hour, things got messy....baba arrived upon the lady and people wanted to go to baba and talk to him. The volunteers queued first to get baba's glimpse and that didn't struck nice to me. Granted that they are devotees as well and they would also want to get baba's darshan, but i expected the volunteer's to go last, setting an example for the rest of us to follow, which is about being immersed in spiritual bliss than hanker for his mortal frame. In a way, it is easy to say than follow, since who would not want to talk to baba directly, if given an option? For that matter, i respect the lady's family since they always give preference to the rest of us and put themselves in the last. I was trying to focus on them than see the negative things in his presence. Isn't it ironic there is baba sitting three feet away from me and yet my mind can dwell on the negatives? An hour passed by with the volunteers first going for the darshan, followed by people coming from long distance, followed by elderly people etc...there was a lot of commotion and my mind correlated this to tirupathy balaji temple, where things get very messy as soon as you enter the swami's abode. I tried to calm my mind down, but it was almost impossible. Then somehow, it turned against baba since it probably weighed itself down with its unrealistic expectations around baba treating me in some 'special', 'grandiose' way...i don't blame it since it is human to have expectations and you always want to be treated special. I also needed to go to the rest room and somehow, it is very chaotic which i didn't appreciate. The chaos was not needed and i felt a little more thought would have made the whole thing smooth for everyone of us. My mind at that point was telling baba to help me get there somehow and that i was not appreciating his behavior towards me, where he was not letting me come to his sharan and get his darshan from close quarters. It was not that i was feeling insulted, but i just didn't have enough patience.

Patience is the key word here and it seems to me that i don't have patience for anything. Sad, isn't it? Especially for a person who is a follower of baba (saburi translates to patience). Somehow, he took mercy on my plight and made one of the volunteer ask me to join the line since i was there waiting for a long time. This made feel again pampered by baba and join the line in a relenting mood. A sense of shame swept over my child like behavior and i had some questions about my attitude. Is this what i represent? I'm hardly five feet away from baba, yet, i'm living in my own world, trapped by my own ego? I joined the line and then my mind after getting a new boost to ego started praying again. I also imagined my wife next to me since she would have given up anything to be here on this joyful occasion of baba's birthday. I also remembered my dad and my mom who were having a wonderful celebrations of their own. As the line slowly crawled forward, i was rehearsing on what to ask from baba? I always hankered for inner peace and that is what i was going to ask. I also wanted to say that my wife has offered her pranam's as well. I was also holding onto a greeting card for baba on his birthday and it sounded great when i came up with the idea, but sounded silly and childish at that point of time. I wanted to simply leave it at his statue, but somehow couldn't think of doing that. In the end, i decided to give it to him.

Finally my turn arrived. I went forward and sat on my knees, took his blessing and was waiting, but he seemed to smoking hukkah. I didn't know what to do as i got around a minute just looking at him. I wanted to hold on to his feet, but i was wearing jeans and didn't put on my belt...Bending for extended periods of time risked the danger of people seeing my rear part live as well as on the big screen tv that was showing the live recording down stairs. So, i just sat there observing him and waiting for him to look at me. I didn't understand on how i should take this? A divine, rare oppurtunity to observe a godly person for an extended period of time? or god being angry with me and refusing to give me darshan? I was a little afraid that he would chase me away from there, like he used to do in shirdi. Finally, he looked towards me, and i handed him the card. The next 60 seconds were kind of blurry to me, but i vaguely remember him putting his hand on my head, blessing me and giving me a flower, vibuthi, a rudraskha (which i mistook to sweet candy and tried to eat it) and a pan.  I didn't have an opportunity to ask him any questions and probably forgot about them when i was there. I also wanted to say that my wife is offering her blessings but i didn't muster the courage to say that...is that what i represent? A spineless wimp? Let me not do more self loathing now...i will reserve that for another day.

I came out, had my dinner and then decided to leave. I didn't wait to watch baba cut his birthday cake since i felt that the crowd was too big as well as i felt a little shaken up after everything. I felt very ashamed that i was not at my perfect self yesterday and that deep down i'm still that spoilt brat who has no patience. Sure, i read books, sure i question, sure i try to be spiritual, but yet, when the rubber hits the road, i'm still behaving like an adolescent guy (which i was when i was 17!!).  I was a little disappointed  by the time i was on high way and then i started wondering how cynical and pessimistic my thought process is? If the same experiences happened to my wife, she would be on cloud 9 right now...not everyone gets the touch of god's hand on your head and not everyone gets a rudraksha from baba himself...yet, my mind is not satisfied. It still sees short comings, mis givings...how can i change this glass is always half empty thinking? I really admire my spouse on this regard. She has got an infinitely positive attitude and she makes the most of the things that are handed out to her. Yours truly on the other hand is known to be a pessimist and a cynic (don't know the difference b/w those) and seem to always trying to make sure that the glass is full, which i don't think will ever happen. But what to do? If the holy hand of  god doesn't make a difference, then what else will? Only time will answer this.

Omsairam!

Shirdi and happiness (contd)

The tide of emotions went from down to up on this thursday...the confusion about whether i'm going in the right direction and whether happiness can ever be lasting paved way to devotion and love for baba...the bhajan time went to ecstasy where my mind was concentrating and having visions of baba...i was magically taken over to shirdi and i could imagine being part of the shirdi folks et al...i was also meditating on lord rama and lord krishna...i was concentrating on the krishna in the child form, his dance with gopika's and lord shri rama with his bow and arrows...somehow, i always have this vision of lord rama with his bow and arrows drawn out...i personally feel this as lord rama using his bow and arrow to chase away the daemons that torment me in my head...of course, little does he know that in aiding a guy like me, he has to stand like that all the time :-)))

      

Now, coming to the more serious part....i was feeling low last week wondering on how come i have not changed even after knowing baba for 17 years...i felt that may be i have wasted my life by not becoming more spiritual and not by training myself to be more detached...it was not against baba, but i felt, what use is my life if god blesses me with holy companionship and yet my mind refuses to settle down? After some more contemplation, 17 years doesn't seem that long after all, considering that this process takes thousands of janma's to bear fruit...it is more of an evolutionary process which definitely takes time...however, this shouldn't become an excuse to slack or to comfort myself...this utter disgust for materialism should grow slowly, but not to turn me into a cynic but into a spiritual path...i'm not proud of the things that i have done in my life, but neither am i ashamed...what ever i have gone through has happened to me for a reason...

The real conundrum is how do you train yourself to not get attached while u are immersing yourself? i pray for like 10~15 minutes a day and then work for 8 hours...how will my brain be spiritual? Also, i have this obsession (some call it passion) to be the front runner and some times it makes life too challenging, too short to take a break...i know all of this, yet mind rules...so, the question of how does a person who is genetically very competitive attain spiritual bliss? Does this mean that he cannot go by the old adage of living life as a house holder and yet attaining spirituality? Does this mean that he needs to abandon the society and go, live life as a hermit in a secluded place...i'm not mentioning an ashram because a competitive guy will find ways to be competitive even there...Don't know? I wish it were the movies and that there was this one song or a brief moment where i challenge god and he shows up and answers my question and invokes something that changes my perspective straight away...but it doesn't happen like that....rather it will take a very painful and slow analysis, stretching, fumbling and a conscious effort to train myself...

let us hope this was a more realistic take on things!