reminiscences

Today was sort of very nostalgic, reminding me of the old days or good old days rather...We went to the streets, the paths, the footwalks and all those places where my foot prints were there for the last three years...It has been quite a while since i visited those places and today was the day when i saw them again...A nostalgic feeling swept me off...i started reminding myself of the days, when i had the fire burning within me, never letting me stop, instead make me work everyday to something new...to be frank, in those days of solitude, i thought the idea of life was to never sit idle and instead do something....Now, life seems something else suddenly.. ..everything becomes relaxed, no victories to attain, no defeats to worry about...life has suddenly transformed itself into that soothing, slow fishing exercise...Is it for good? Is it for bad? Can someone who has been surviving on high testosterone levels survive this and bear this? The answer is, he is blissfully unaware of this until now...But, five months, i should say is a short time and probably his heart would yearn to go back into that life of high action or may be it would settle into the quietness of wanting nothing except that peace and joy...

Is this what my life's destiny is? A question arises in my mind, making me shriek..i have come from the heaven to live the life of a commoner, my ego starts pulling me...common, you must definitely be better than that...what about all those dreams that you have dreamt of? what about all those high mountains to climb, those forts to conquer, those masses cheering and rooting for you, while you come out...shall none of these materialize...if living the life of a middle aged married man was my destiny, then what unique life have i lived? many questions start popping into my head while the thrist for identity consumes me.....what shall i answer my heart? how shall i satisfy my ego? I don't know...Born and brought up in an orthodox family, my heart instantly places the burden on the lord and like a trained parrot starts telling me that his will should be accepted no matter what happens? but who knows what his will is? Has he given me a note about that? Nope...Nada, nothing...this whole spirituality business is too subjective, too much left to contemplation and in the end comes back to what your heart says...but my heart is driven by my ego and by some higher sense, so the answers i get back aren't consistent...a messiah, a saint, a public persona....many, many images pass through the inner eye and yet my heart doesnt settle on one...then how can i trust this to help me judge my life...whats it that im striving for? I desperately look at tarots, sun signs, moon signs to help me establish my identity...i hear it is a normal life and then i see jealously towards people who have gotten what i wanted and question, are they happy? some of them arent...they wanted something else..seems like nobody is getting what they want...then why did the great almighty send us here, by separating us out from him??Again with the religion...seems like religon and me are inseparable...my mind seems to place everything on god...is that my destiny? a quiet desperation shows up on my face...is it what i will finally end up as? not likely...for that door was closed by me...why? why so much confusion? why cannot i find my identity? why isnt the almighty there? again with the almighty....whats this? in all this chaos and mistaken identitites, i realize that i'm more like a leaf thats just being swept by the current of water and has nothing that it can do...if thats the case, why do we speak of free will? why does the great god give me brain to think? why isnt it more mechanical, more rehearsed so i know what has to become of me...if i'm destined to a mediocre, average man, why does he flame the thoughts of greatness...why not come out and tell me...or is that what he is telling me right now? through my inner voice?

As usual, i start asking a lot of questions in search of a clear answer, but fall flat on my face with even more questions...like a spider's web, im completely entangled...completely helpless and what can i do know? well...wait for the spider to come and devour me.