Surrender

(one of my older posts)
I dont know what to write. I really dont know. Did i want whats happening to me? Or is it something that i derived out of my own foolishness? Whatever it is, i hope it is for good.I hope that this was baba's will and not my own superimposed upon him.

But, the question is can i superimpose my will upon him when he has taken me under his protection? Can a devotee still err when god has showered mercy upon him? More importantly, can a disciple have his own will after he is taken under his masters wing? Somehow, i get the feeling that it is not possible for a devotee to have his own ego and existence after he surrendered to his master. Interestingly, i dont even think that it is the disciple who choses the master, it is other way. If i look back, i dont think i made any conscious effort to be a baba's disciple. I didnt even really know much about baba until that fated trip of mine with kavitha pinni and her family. Even there, it wasnt all instant lights out and things like that. I kind of started knowing about him and then as time went by, he protected me, sheltered me and gave me oppurtunities to learn or rather he had done everything. The only thing that i might have done..nah, i take it back. I take it completely back. i dont think i can attribute anything to my own will or actions. Whatever i had done, good or bad, i attribute it to him.

Now, i feel relieved. I'm not scared of my future anymore. Promotion or no promotion, Exceeded or no Exceeded, it is god's will. Whatever happens to me is out of his infinite mercy and protection. Baba's will is what i believe and baba's power is what i seek protection with. If everything is being done by baba, what can i do? Should i just sit down and relax? Should i do behave as i wish. It is a tricky question, this concept of self-surrender. It is a deceptive path as will, similar to its cousin: free will. Human mind or rather my mind is more attracted towards pleasures. I'm not sure what i can really do out of my own consicousness since i just said that baba was the one who has taken me and i have no will out of own. The only thing that i can possibly pray for is the strength and endurance to face troubles, if thats what he wishes for me or alternatively pray for self-discipline and self-control, if pleasures are what he chooses to bestow upon me. But even then, who says that baba wants me to have self control if he choses to shower pleasures upon me? or suffer patiently if troubles are what he chooses to give me? This effectively means that nothing is bad or out of god's will...Anything & Everything is god's will. So, now, i dont even know what to ask for prayers. Or do i really need to ask something everytime i pray to god? May be this is it. May be this is what i have been searching for. NOTHING. May be this is what god has made me realize. That i dont need to wish for anything. Now, if I only can keep this realization for eternity within ME.Wait a second...i take it back!