life balanced atlast

hatred that was increasing within me vanquished and the almighty took pity on me...the tiredness, the stress, the anger, the hatred and the self-pity mode somehow eviscerated...i dont know how, but i do remember begging god on wednesday to help me conquer it and so he did! I can tell you that i feel 1000 times better now than i did in the last week or so, when i thought i was vindicated in feeling anger, hatred and vengeance towards folks who were not rightful in their attitude...now, when i forgave them or gave up my so-called desire for vengeance, i feel lighter and i can LIVE...This is the attitude i need to keep...Some nice words from my favorite song:

"band jo baje tera, kulke tu bhi saat ga"

such funny yet true words..if destiny has decided to expose you to cold chilly winter with lots of snow, there is no point on moping about it...instead, try to have fun in snow...may be build a snow man, ski around a bit and then try to get some warmth to your frozen hands near a fire place...

Amen!

divine justice

today i asked for divine justice...this person who was supposed to be my idol and who i aspire to become behaved like the most obnoxious guy on the block...to top that off, the guy i trust helped him to stab me in the back...what is happening? i do make decisions but the way things are happening, i just wish to run out and go somewhere else...i do think their strategy to some extent wants me to do this...but, you expect this to happen to people who don't contribute, not to a rock star on your team, who is supposedly to be in the top 20% of the merit or whatever companies call it. I had a sense of this happening and i tried to prepare, but it is nothing like what happens when you see this...u prepare for a hurricane, but the feeling of being touched is something else...i was almost in rage when i simply said.."god is great!" I do believe that..i believe that god has a reason for this happening to me and for everything that happens to you. However, you expect some sort of divine justice so that the other party doesn't just continue to tread all over you..You expect them to show some decency and not behave in the way they did, which incidentally happens to be of my worst expectations...in a way, i'm vindicated to see that people do behave as i expect, but that makes me feel sad...you don't want to be believing those nightmares all the time and them becoming true..you lose all trust in humanity...I know, i know, not everyone is like that, but you do get to see people behaving like that and then you wish like, why don't they behave in a more courteous and admirable fashion? If you are a leader, you need to be above all of this...Grow some decency and straightforwardness in your dealings..Stand up, be moral and above all be just...Instead, we dont see that...we see people with rotten morals going to the top and advocating that to the rest...they believe, that you can fool people, u can make and break promises at will, you can cheat your way to the top and be selectively nice to those few who are either stronger than them or are meeker and are a doormat..These people will destroy anything and everything that comes in between their way and will do anything to keep their power, money and fame...Unfortunately, GOD is not showing us justice, not quick enough and we believe that this is the right way to the top...thats why i believe divine justice has to be done...i'm not a saint either, for i have sinned, but i believe i was very straight forward in this scenario and had been upfront..even when i had to do something, it was done after a while when i could wait no longer and only then did i found out that, there was nothing there in the first place to begin with..The whole point of this exercise from GOD was to expose people to their faults, but unfortunately, the chosen ones decide to close their eyes...

I did learn some lessons, but i will continue the same way i behaved till now..This will not deter me from being upfront, honest and straightforward. For these qualities make me sleep at night with peace and to maintain purity in my heart and nothing can sway me to comprise. But, i do hope that GOD shows his divine justice and makes sure that this sort of behavior is not done away with.

D-day

decisions were to be taken, choices were to be made and so they were made...is it a good choice? i dont know yet...is it taken with the future in mind? dont know...is it financially viable? dont know...as you can see, this decision was made not with my mind, but with my heart...to do something out of the ordinary, to explore something new, to just get out and do something without worrying where i will be or what i will do...of course, it is not all that get out of the door, but it is somewhere along the lines...you might ask, why did i hear to my heart and not to my mind? in my case, my mind speaks a lot and thought it is better to show him who the real boss is...
Of course, there are many questions to ask on why things happened the way they happened and could they have been better done etc etc...however, life is too complex to analyze and the best course of action is to go with the flow...one year seems like a logical time to just sit back and go with the flow, see where we end up and then decide on whether we like where we ended up...

For now, let us take the name of the lord, pray to god that whatever he has given and whatever we have chosen is a good thing and then ask for his blessings!

Omsairam!

No matter what road i take im going home

I need to remember these words, you know, may be tattoo them in my brain or something..i need it and i need to remember this bad...choices, choices, what to do and how to do? is it worth it or am i making the "biggest" wrong move of my career. I don't know, but for the heck of it, i would like to try it once...Anyways, i'm in this classic conundrum of being at cross roads at this juncture of life and i'm left to decide on which road to take: the road of familiarity v/s the road of unknown...I know it sounds complicated, let me give an example...there is a parking lot and the shiny red car i wanted is on the right side and i do not know what is on the left side...should i take a turn and pick up the red car or should i walk to the left side, explore it and pick up what i get there? The danger of going left is that i will not be able to come back and pick up the red car...whereas the danger of going right is that i will never know what was the left side...got the analogy?

Of course, the title here suggests something else...whether i go left and end up vehicleless or if i go right and pick up the red car, i would be going to the same destination...and what destination is that? It is defined in a materialistic sense but defined more in the sense of spiritualism..So, if we decide to explore this angle, does it make sense to pick a direction where you feel more vulnerable? It means like, i don't seem to trust the almighty by going right since i'm driven by materialism and the thought of red car whereas by going left, i'm driven by spiritualism since i trust the divine providence and have decided to explore an angle where i'm not clear about the future and hence i'm not motivated by selfish desires...However, this raises a question on should i be not making decisions thinking of selfish interests? And if that is the angle to pursue, then can you be successful in this capitalistic world...Of course, thoughts of success should be annihilated as well since success in a materialistic world is not always guaranteed by entertaining high thoughts...may be satisfaction is guaranteed but not success...so, can you stay satisfied without being successful?

As you can see, i'm a confused person right now and i'm struggling to decide between the direction to go? Unknown or red car? In my life, i have ventured into the unknown quite a bit and thanks to almighty ended up being successful and satisfied..This time also, i might try that...let us pray to almighty that the road that we take is the one that not only makes u satisfied at a lower level but at a higher level as well.

Amen!

Maa, meri maa

It was mother's day on sunday and i didn't exactly send flowers or cards to my mom..How bad, isn't it? Not even taking the time to shop a little for your mother, when she infact sacrificed like atleast 3 years for you and that too in the prime of her age, when she could have practically focussed on her career and life..I admit it...I'm guilty as charged..However, if my mother would read this, she would in a very nonchalant way say...it is alright, beta! i care more about your thoughts than your gifts...such a wonderful gesture can only be possible through motherhood..being a guy, i will never experience that..This is not berate fathers, for they have their own challenges, but motherhood is *unique* and it is rightly said that mother is right next to GOD...In fact, some may argue, that she is above good, but let us not get into arguments on who is greater than whom..what matters is that, motherhood is celebrated and mothers are acknowledged...

I'm not always this sincere for i remember that i was a very acrimonious when i was a kid...I would not hesitate to raise my voice or question my parents esp. my mother when i was young..However, going away from my parents or the color change of my hair might have instilled some good sense into me and also appreciate the sacrifices parents (esp. mothers) go through to have their kids develop proper values. I wish i knew all this 10 years before, for i would have tried to be better and more respectful, but alas, the wisdom that we need always comes as an afterfact...

Inspite of my shortcomings, i'm thankful to my mother (& father) for being so supportive and being there for me when i needed them. And i guess, i would do the same for my kids and so the karmic cycle continues...

Happy mothers day!

Let go of EGO

I admit, i was not very respectful towards GOD sometime last week...i felt like i was a victim and that whatever has been so carefully cherished by me was just brought down in a manner of month...I wanted god to be responsible for that and even though folks say it was my ego, i still contest that it was GOD who is responsible...after all, if all my successes are his doing, then so do my failures. There is nothing wrong with that, but feeling like, i was never lent a helping hand by god and then cussing him was probably something that i wont be proud of...

I don't like bragging or looking at my achievements, but looking at where i began and where iam today, i do believe, quite a considerable amount of progress has been made (in every sort of way) and i owe this to almighty (or my dear baba)...I still remember that uncertainity when i cleared GRE and my dad was ready to spend his hard earned money so that i can do masters...i do remember how scared i was as i had no financial AID and no confidence to get a job..but, somehow things worked out...somehow, GOD helped me...I remember those summer'02 days when my job was to clean computers and to apply for those "unpaid" internships...However, all of that changed when i got a programmer analyst job and a paid internship at MS..Needless to say that baba should get the lion's share of credit...Then, again, when destiny turned its evil eye towards me, GOD helped me stay on the path, start with a small but most importantly a full-time job and then propelled me towards MS, where i did have some memorable times...A lot of these events, i know that, i owe it to the almighty...It may not seem a big deal now since i'm one of those 90,000+ employees...but at that time, it sure was a big deal...The point i'm trying to make is that i was never deserted by GOD...in fact, whatever troubles he gave me, actually helped me appreciate the end result more and increased my confidence..Baba never promised me lasting success or comforts, but he did promise me to attain the strength to bounce back and to not stay low...

If i look back in the last ten years, where i left my home and family, i can for sure say that GOD has been my family...He may not speak to me, or be even visible to me, but he sure did, follow me in my good and tough times...I'm not stupid to say that what i got is because of me...So, then comes the question of why should i feel sorrow if i lose something, which is not achieved by my capabilities to begin with? If baba has done this, then there is something wonderful waiting for me..or may be not. May be god wants me to take a different path where success is not measured in the same worldly terms, but in different terms of satisfaction and contentment and where success is subjective....

I stand at the same path as i was three years back and i do see that life has a way of coming back to the same places over and over again...The choices i made then were different than what i will make today....However, i pray that whatever choice i make, i make out of noble ideals and not out of spite or contempt. I should forgive people for their mistakes and i should forget whatever grudges i behold on others...I have sinned as well and i have caused misery as well, so what right do i have to hold others accountable?

God, i pray that i stay this way.

Omsairam!

crucial week

This week is going to be crucial for me...mere jeevan ki nayya kis taraf mud raha hai, woh pata chalega....interesting isnt it? we dont feel contended with what we have, we go and destroy everything that we carefully built and then we realize what we have done and then we again try to get busy building everything back...of course, it is not going to be the same, but the hope is that we will end up with something better than what we destroyed...life is weird and we have to just accept the fact...there is no point in thinking of why did we destroy this or why did god make us do this? i tried that and ended up with no convicing argument...in fact, there is no point in thinking over things...if i use logic as my main tool, then i will end up hating GOD and his creation...if you don't believe me, open a news paper and read those horrible events that seem to happen every day to seemingly innocent people....Logic also will make me statistically that in the suffering distribution across the world, i'm negligible spectrum...what chance do i have to complain when there are people who are suffering with terminal diseases, fighting for basic nessesities of life? Hence, the conclusion that let us get not all logical about this...Besides, it feels good to think of a "personalized" god (aka slave) whose job is to just listen to my crooning, give me comfort and make me feel like i'm special (even when i'm not) and that this all suffering is some karmic thing to make me teach something or make me rise above and beyond mundaneness.

I'm going to not delve deeper now, but just comment that this week is going to be ultra crucial and that hopefully the uncertainity that is plaguing me now will vanish and vaporize and that i will rise from the ashes with full vigor and optimism...

Amen!