2009...was it a good year for me? Has it made me better? This is the first question i need to ask myself as i prepare myself to say a BYE for this. 2009 has been great in terms of personal life and to professional life, but spiritually, it is STILL THE SAME or may be a bit downwards, considering that i spend less time in prayer and more time with my Wii...
Should i feel guilty about this? Is this because i got married and i have a genuinine reason like lesser private time? A part of me wants to believe the GENUININE reason, but the other part of me is calling it bluff already...I agree that time is not really an excuse, considering that i do spend around 9~10 hours in sleep and i can probably live with a 9 hour sleep and use the remaining one hour for meditation. So, what is the real reason?
Another part of me tells that i might have spiritually evolved and may be i see GOD not just in my prayer room..The excuse i'm trying to make here is that prayer doesn't need to be done in prayer hall but can be done everywhere. Again, my mind is being overzealous in making me believe things that are hardly true..If i look seriously deep within, may be i spend about 10~15 minutes of my drive to work and back home on spiritual topics, provided it was a good day..But, as soon as i enter the office building, i forget about god...Essentially, i'm not taking GOD with me to work, but instead I make him wait in the parking lot next to my car..Somehow, taking GOD with me to office place never worked..I guess, he will be uncomfortable with all the office politics and backbiting...I'm not going to play rosy eyed optimist here and i do acknowledge that i've become better at politics or may be i will confess saying that i always had a flair for office politics... So, this excuse of ME suddenly becoming philosophical and more evolved in spiritual practises doesn't work...
What is my next excuse? I have to think a bit...hmm...aah! here it is:Prayer is a state of bliss and i'm able to attain it with WII, i don't need prayer..The argument here is that prayer is not the end, it is just a means of attaining bliss. Why do i need to worry about spirituality if i can find bliss?...This probably is the most wiliest argument so far my mind has come up with. I do agree wholeheartedly that i'm a lot happier in 2009 than i was in 2008 or 2007, but does this really mean that i'm experiencing eternal bliss? I do see myself going back to anger or sorrow or the general feeling of helplessness once in a while (or more than that), but i guess, it would be impossible to have that eternal bliss, unless i'm some supremely advanced master. But, wait a minute? Am i arguing that once i find bliss, i can just *dump* GOD? Hmm...on a very superficial level, i can just say *NO* and fool myself to believe that i do indeed love god..But, if i dig deeper and start looking at motivations of my prayers and the reason for my frequent visits to temples, i'm afraid to admit that it is TRUE.
For some unexplainable reason, i do fear GOD. I do believe that GOD will punish me (or deny me) happiness if i do not follow certain rules that govern me to lead a moral life. Not that i have never strayed, but on the whole, whatever goodness that people find in me has been somewhat because of my fear for him. FEAR is the keyword here, not love, but fear...It doesn't mean that i don't love GOD...i do love him, but FEAR is also a motivation. I feel that i need to remember this more strongly than the rest of the content here...Every time i become self-righteous, Every time i have the temptation to judge people, to mark them immoral or sinful, i need to remember this passage: that my rightenousness is not my own virtue, but it is rather a example for my cowardice.
Where am i heading with this topic? Now coming back to the original question of will i dump GOD if i found bliss and contentment? I have no answer. I do know that my motivations of prayer and meditation are not arising purely out of divine love.
To sum it up, the lack of my prayer time was mainly due to me getting pre-occupied with other aspects and i do wish to change that as i enter 2010. I'm not divine and there is work to be done in my case as is with everyone else. I wish that in 2010, i will have a dedicated prayer time and that my prayer time will come because of me wanting to pray and not out of fear.
Amen!
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