This saturday, i completed four years..i wont say where, but a journey of four years has been done and i'm wondering, was it worth it? Life, they say, never leaves your prayers unanswered. So, it is upto you to be careful about what you pray for. I remember the days when i thought this was a blemish on a faultless, blemishless, snow whitish life...how confused was I? And after i made every effort to get it, i wanted to throw it away...how silly isn't it? What if the same pattern followed everywhere in my life? I desire for things, i make effort to achieve them and then i want to throw them away and start over? Will people like me never find happiness? Does happiness always lie in the next thing to earn? I'm not going to go cliche here and talk about happiness has to come from within and all that, let us face it...most of us parrot away those lines any way and for lay men like me (and probably many folks like me), it is all too enlightened...
Coming back to the four years, i now think i probably wasted them away...don't confuse that i idled them away...nah, most of the time, i was busy, probably too busy and never really gave much time to think about what i cherish in life and what i wanted the most...the biggest problem i see with myself is that constant need to perform better and being a fast learner (in some things), i probably do things better, the things that i dont care about deep within and yet that spotlight of doing something makes me feel important in my head and before you know, you have spent four years of your life, travelling in a direction that you dont want and now you dont really know where to go next..
So, what do i do now? I'm not going to say feel good lines here, unless they come from within...you helplessly look to the heavens for answers...astrology, numerology, scientiology, basically any power that can guide you and show you the correct path...or reassure you that dont worry, some how, like a fairy tale where the princess always gets her prince charming, you will also get onto your right path...you dont have to make any hard decisions, nothing, just keep going, just somehow, you will end up on the right path and everything will be a happy ending..Is it wrong to be optimistic and to be wish for a happy ending? may be not, but how, my brain starts analyzing..but, what is that happy ending, another question pops into my head, a second later...I envision, god screaming from the top of his voice, "Ask!And ye shall be given"...Just ask my son, think about what you want, spend some time soul searching or whatever the latest hip word is, and ask me and it will be granted...Somehow, i cannot settle on that one thing...my life is too busy to think for what i truly want and even i somehow took time to do some soul searching, in the end, my mind is happily lost in the daily conundrum, the very next day and the huge ego drives me away into the wilderness...
What do i truly want? In my hay days (im not old) or rather, four years before, i wanted something, really bad, i dont know whether i deserved it, i dont know whether i really wanted it, but i wanted it...at least, i thought of a destination, a dream...but now, i dont have a dream...i lost it for i did too little and i dreamt too big and in the end, somehow, i spent these four years in a different direction and hence that dream has vanquished....well, almost..there is that little spark that comes up now and then, but now i left it to god)...
Now, I dont have a goal..I see many people on my path having kids, progressing in their career, building houses, buying lands and so on...but that doesnt seem appealing to me...my mind tells me that it is not the path for me...i'm greedy, i'm materialistic, but there is that one part, probably my soul or may be my superiority complex, that tells me, this is not the road for you, this is not why god sent you here...then a second later, i forget...basically, what i see is a conflict within myself on settling upon a goal (or dream...i dont know the difference) and that in this conflicts, whatever selfish or unselfish goals i set get destroyed...Shall i call it the battle between higher and lower natures? or battle between reality and insanity? I dont know...whatever it is, the net result is that i dont have a dream...
So, what should people like me do? Like ants, we toil and toil and toil, in the hope of building something and then one day we look up and see that we are carrying nothing but sand..
Anyways, i will end this with a prayer...i know these four years that i spent, i did something that deep down i dont truly care about, these four years, i could have done something, i could have been some place, but o lord, what can i complain about? You are listening to me, waiting there anxiously to see what i will ask for and then even before i finish my sentence, you will come and grant my wish true..unfortunately, you will need to wait for some more time...for i myself don't know what i want, that wisdom has to be granted by you, the very wish that can change my life and give my happy ever ending, what is it? I dont know...I want that wisdom lord, the wisdom to find out the wish that will make me truly happy...
Omsairam!
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