Today was sort of very nostalgic, reminding me of the old days or good old days rather...We went to the streets, the paths, the footwalks and all those places where my foot prints were there for the last three years...It has been quite a while since i visited those places and today was the day when i saw them again...A nostalgic feeling swept me off...i started reminding myself of the days, when i had the fire burning within me, never letting me stop, instead make me work everyday to something new...to be frank, in those days of solitude, i thought the idea of life was to never sit idle and instead do something....Now, life seems something else suddenly.. ..everything becomes relaxed, no victories to attain, no defeats to worry about...life has suddenly transformed itself into that soothing, slow fishing exercise...Is it for good? Is it for bad? Can someone who has been surviving on high testosterone levels survive this and bear this? The answer is, he is blissfully unaware of this until now...But, five months, i should say is a short time and probably his heart would yearn to go back into that life of high action or may be it would settle into the quietness of wanting nothing except that peace and joy...
Is this what my life's destiny is? A question arises in my mind, making me shriek..i have come from the heaven to live the life of a commoner, my ego starts pulling me...common, you must definitely be better than that...what about all those dreams that you have dreamt of? what about all those high mountains to climb, those forts to conquer, those masses cheering and rooting for you, while you come out...shall none of these materialize...if living the life of a middle aged married man was my destiny, then what unique life have i lived? many questions start popping into my head while the thrist for identity consumes me.....what shall i answer my heart? how shall i satisfy my ego? I don't know...Born and brought up in an orthodox family, my heart instantly places the burden on the lord and like a trained parrot starts telling me that his will should be accepted no matter what happens? but who knows what his will is? Has he given me a note about that? Nope...Nada, nothing...this whole spirituality business is too subjective, too much left to contemplation and in the end comes back to what your heart says...but my heart is driven by my ego and by some higher sense, so the answers i get back aren't consistent...a messiah, a saint, a public persona....many, many images pass through the inner eye and yet my heart doesnt settle on one...then how can i trust this to help me judge my life...whats it that im striving for? I desperately look at tarots, sun signs, moon signs to help me establish my identity...i hear it is a normal life and then i see jealously towards people who have gotten what i wanted and question, are they happy? some of them arent...they wanted something else..seems like nobody is getting what they want...then why did the great almighty send us here, by separating us out from him??Again with the religion...seems like religon and me are inseparable...my mind seems to place everything on god...is that my destiny? a quiet desperation shows up on my face...is it what i will finally end up as? not likely...for that door was closed by me...why? why so much confusion? why cannot i find my identity? why isnt the almighty there? again with the almighty....whats this? in all this chaos and mistaken identitites, i realize that i'm more like a leaf thats just being swept by the current of water and has nothing that it can do...if thats the case, why do we speak of free will? why does the great god give me brain to think? why isnt it more mechanical, more rehearsed so i know what has to become of me...if i'm destined to a mediocre, average man, why does he flame the thoughts of greatness...why not come out and tell me...or is that what he is telling me right now? through my inner voice?
As usual, i start asking a lot of questions in search of a clear answer, but fall flat on my face with even more questions...like a spider's web, im completely entangled...completely helpless and what can i do know? well...wait for the spider to come and devour me.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Valentine's Day
For the february fourteenth is arriving,
the day that some look forward to,
and the day I dread, for I had none to
share my feelings and express my love.
This year was different, for a new relationship was blossiming,
And to make it a perfect one, i embarked on a journey,
to find the right gift, the one that express my innermost feelings,
And the one that tells her how special she is to me.,
Greeting cards are in abundance,and in many forms too,
starting from the teen love to the elderly love,
Every card trying to be as poetic as possible and as effusive as they can,
so that they can express how i feel about my woman.
Hallmark tells me that they will say her that she is the reason for my wanting to live,
and i cannot help but ask, how have i lived all these great many years?
American greetings tells me that they will say her that she is the perfect one,
and i pause again to wonder, doesn't perfection take effort and time?
Flowers tell me that they alone can mesmerize a woman,
with their pleasing aroma and their colorful petals.
Before, i can narrow on one, they tell me not to rush,
for each flower has a story to tell.
Giving a Red Rose tells the woman that i love her the deepest,
while a white one says that our match is heaven made,
A yellow conveys my joy and admiration for her,
while a lavendar conveys my smittenness with her.
As i try to figure out what color of roses to give to her,
i see a whole line of lillies, daffodles, daisies and much more
each screaming to me to ignore the rest and choose them instead,
as they and only they can truly convey my feelings..
And as i stand there, contemplating on what to do,
I see chocolates of all textures, colors and sizes asking me not to forget them,
for they have always remained a woman's favorite,
and they would be needed to set her mood up.
And again, i see another whole bunch of soft toys,
bears, dogs, cats and many more, both real and mystical,
telling me that i can mesmerize the woman by giving them,
as their soft and cuddly touch will remind of our times together.
As i stood there not knowing what to do, i was dazzled
by those gold-laced ornaments, pearl necklaces, diamonds
and much more, flying in the air screaming to me, that
jewelry remains a woman's best friend in this digital age.
Amidst all of this confusion, i stood there standing,
helpless, utterly helpless, not knowing what to do,
for i want to proclaim my love her in all those ways,
read her all those poetic lines from those effusive cards,
give her those wonderful boquets of flowers,
make her eat those mouth watering delicacies,
dress her with all those exquisite jewelry,
fill her bedroom with those soft toys,
give her everything to make her yearn for me for a lifetime.
As i push myself into that wonderland,
i have a glimpse of those moments, those special times,
when we were alone together, when we spoke about
our future and our lives together,
never had she mentioned of any of the above except for my love,
and that makes me feel sorry that i thought of her in such a shallow way,
for i realized that she cares for my presence and my love than anything else.
And how shall i make her happy this valentine's day?
I realized that i had the thing, that special thing to
make her happy all along and yet i wandered around.
The gift that neither dazzles her nor is exotic, but yet
touches her and makes her appreciate me more,
my true love and my solemn promise that, what may come,
i will be by her side,in happiness and sorrow as well...
I LOVE YOU!
Happy Valentine's Day!
the day that some look forward to,
and the day I dread, for I had none to
share my feelings and express my love.
This year was different, for a new relationship was blossiming,
And to make it a perfect one, i embarked on a journey,
to find the right gift, the one that express my innermost feelings,
And the one that tells her how special she is to me.,
Greeting cards are in abundance,and in many forms too,
starting from the teen love to the elderly love,
Every card trying to be as poetic as possible and as effusive as they can,
so that they can express how i feel about my woman.
Hallmark tells me that they will say her that she is the reason for my wanting to live,
and i cannot help but ask, how have i lived all these great many years?
American greetings tells me that they will say her that she is the perfect one,
and i pause again to wonder, doesn't perfection take effort and time?
Flowers tell me that they alone can mesmerize a woman,
with their pleasing aroma and their colorful petals.
Before, i can narrow on one, they tell me not to rush,
for each flower has a story to tell.
Giving a Red Rose tells the woman that i love her the deepest,
while a white one says that our match is heaven made,
A yellow conveys my joy and admiration for her,
while a lavendar conveys my smittenness with her.
As i try to figure out what color of roses to give to her,
i see a whole line of lillies, daffodles, daisies and much more
each screaming to me to ignore the rest and choose them instead,
as they and only they can truly convey my feelings..
And as i stand there, contemplating on what to do,
I see chocolates of all textures, colors and sizes asking me not to forget them,
for they have always remained a woman's favorite,
and they would be needed to set her mood up.
And again, i see another whole bunch of soft toys,
bears, dogs, cats and many more, both real and mystical,
telling me that i can mesmerize the woman by giving them,
as their soft and cuddly touch will remind of our times together.
As i stood there not knowing what to do, i was dazzled
by those gold-laced ornaments, pearl necklaces, diamonds
and much more, flying in the air screaming to me, that
jewelry remains a woman's best friend in this digital age.
Amidst all of this confusion, i stood there standing,
helpless, utterly helpless, not knowing what to do,
for i want to proclaim my love her in all those ways,
read her all those poetic lines from those effusive cards,
give her those wonderful boquets of flowers,
make her eat those mouth watering delicacies,
dress her with all those exquisite jewelry,
fill her bedroom with those soft toys,
give her everything to make her yearn for me for a lifetime.
As i push myself into that wonderland,
i have a glimpse of those moments, those special times,
when we were alone together, when we spoke about
our future and our lives together,
never had she mentioned of any of the above except for my love,
and that makes me feel sorry that i thought of her in such a shallow way,
for i realized that she cares for my presence and my love than anything else.
And how shall i make her happy this valentine's day?
I realized that i had the thing, that special thing to
make her happy all along and yet i wandered around.
The gift that neither dazzles her nor is exotic, but yet
touches her and makes her appreciate me more,
my true love and my solemn promise that, what may come,
i will be by her side,in happiness and sorrow as well...
I LOVE YOU!
Happy Valentine's Day!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Surrender
(one of my older posts)
I dont know what to write. I really dont know. Did i want whats happening to me? Or is it something that i derived out of my own foolishness? Whatever it is, i hope it is for good.I hope that this was baba's will and not my own superimposed upon him.
But, the question is can i superimpose my will upon him when he has taken me under his protection? Can a devotee still err when god has showered mercy upon him? More importantly, can a disciple have his own will after he is taken under his masters wing? Somehow, i get the feeling that it is not possible for a devotee to have his own ego and existence after he surrendered to his master. Interestingly, i dont even think that it is the disciple who choses the master, it is other way. If i look back, i dont think i made any conscious effort to be a baba's disciple. I didnt even really know much about baba until that fated trip of mine with kavitha pinni and her family. Even there, it wasnt all instant lights out and things like that. I kind of started knowing about him and then as time went by, he protected me, sheltered me and gave me oppurtunities to learn or rather he had done everything. The only thing that i might have done..nah, i take it back. I take it completely back. i dont think i can attribute anything to my own will or actions. Whatever i had done, good or bad, i attribute it to him.
Now, i feel relieved. I'm not scared of my future anymore. Promotion or no promotion, Exceeded or no Exceeded, it is god's will. Whatever happens to me is out of his infinite mercy and protection. Baba's will is what i believe and baba's power is what i seek protection with. If everything is being done by baba, what can i do? Should i just sit down and relax? Should i do behave as i wish. It is a tricky question, this concept of self-surrender. It is a deceptive path as will, similar to its cousin: free will. Human mind or rather my mind is more attracted towards pleasures. I'm not sure what i can really do out of my own consicousness since i just said that baba was the one who has taken me and i have no will out of own. The only thing that i can possibly pray for is the strength and endurance to face troubles, if thats what he wishes for me or alternatively pray for self-discipline and self-control, if pleasures are what he chooses to bestow upon me. But even then, who says that baba wants me to have self control if he choses to shower pleasures upon me? or suffer patiently if troubles are what he chooses to give me? This effectively means that nothing is bad or out of god's will...Anything & Everything is god's will. So, now, i dont even know what to ask for prayers. Or do i really need to ask something everytime i pray to god? May be this is it. May be this is what i have been searching for. NOTHING. May be this is what god has made me realize. That i dont need to wish for anything. Now, if I only can keep this realization for eternity within ME.Wait a second...i take it back!
I dont know what to write. I really dont know. Did i want whats happening to me? Or is it something that i derived out of my own foolishness? Whatever it is, i hope it is for good.I hope that this was baba's will and not my own superimposed upon him.
But, the question is can i superimpose my will upon him when he has taken me under his protection? Can a devotee still err when god has showered mercy upon him? More importantly, can a disciple have his own will after he is taken under his masters wing? Somehow, i get the feeling that it is not possible for a devotee to have his own ego and existence after he surrendered to his master. Interestingly, i dont even think that it is the disciple who choses the master, it is other way. If i look back, i dont think i made any conscious effort to be a baba's disciple. I didnt even really know much about baba until that fated trip of mine with kavitha pinni and her family. Even there, it wasnt all instant lights out and things like that. I kind of started knowing about him and then as time went by, he protected me, sheltered me and gave me oppurtunities to learn or rather he had done everything. The only thing that i might have done..nah, i take it back. I take it completely back. i dont think i can attribute anything to my own will or actions. Whatever i had done, good or bad, i attribute it to him.
Now, i feel relieved. I'm not scared of my future anymore. Promotion or no promotion, Exceeded or no Exceeded, it is god's will. Whatever happens to me is out of his infinite mercy and protection. Baba's will is what i believe and baba's power is what i seek protection with. If everything is being done by baba, what can i do? Should i just sit down and relax? Should i do behave as i wish. It is a tricky question, this concept of self-surrender. It is a deceptive path as will, similar to its cousin: free will. Human mind or rather my mind is more attracted towards pleasures. I'm not sure what i can really do out of my own consicousness since i just said that baba was the one who has taken me and i have no will out of own. The only thing that i can possibly pray for is the strength and endurance to face troubles, if thats what he wishes for me or alternatively pray for self-discipline and self-control, if pleasures are what he chooses to bestow upon me. But even then, who says that baba wants me to have self control if he choses to shower pleasures upon me? or suffer patiently if troubles are what he chooses to give me? This effectively means that nothing is bad or out of god's will...Anything & Everything is god's will. So, now, i dont even know what to ask for prayers. Or do i really need to ask something everytime i pray to god? May be this is it. May be this is what i have been searching for. NOTHING. May be this is what god has made me realize. That i dont need to wish for anything. Now, if I only can keep this realization for eternity within ME.Wait a second...i take it back!
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