First of all, it is that time of the year, when you think back on how the year was and what worked and what not...you take the long road back to the past, watch each event as it unfolds and then suddenly realize that, whatever happened during the year was not some random events thrown by the whims of the gods, but some very calculated and well thought moves, that were clearly concealed in the short run, but would only be untangled from the distant future. Ah, i tried to tangle myself in words here, but in short, i simply want to thank 2013, for being 2013!
2013 will remain a special year for me. It is not because of what i got, but it is because of what was taken away from me. False pretenses, finickiness and the feeling of being "someone" special, all of them left me like the skin of the snake that peels away slowly, but gradually over time. And sometimes i saw the peeling process happen, but then it was jinxed and the maya engulfed me with even greater verocity. Even now, as i write, i fully understand that the feeling of being no-one but a servant of god is too good to last for eternity and even in a single blink of moment, all that is un-coveted will not only return, but also make me believe again that those are the things that i truly want. Thank you 2013, for making me stronger and not be swayed by things that i do not wish for and also thanks for removing the extraneous layers out of my skin, so that i can truly see what i yearn for: Love & devotion to god. Every thing else is redundant and is only to be peeled away slowly, hopefully in this life time and if not in the coming ones.
Enough of the peeling, i guess :-). I also want to thank 2013 for making things happen, if not right away, but surely in the course of time. These are small wishes that i yearned for (nothing big), but surely they did happen. One such wish was sky diving. At the beginning of the year, i took an impromptu decision of going to a sky diving arena and try my luck. My inner voice resisted me from making an appointment and after driving for an hour, i realize that i missed the sky diving session by a whisker. I laughed at my stupidity, but a few months later, my team plans a morale event at the same sky diving avenue and during the entire time, a sense of vindication and divine providence swept me over. Another example was around my tennis lessons. I told myself that i will resume my tennis practice at some point in the year and while i was thinking of the right time, one of my colleagues asks me to come and join him for tennis sessions. As i said, simple, small things that i coveted for and i got those wishes fulfilled.
Another important event this year was around bringing a closure to my relation with puttaparthy saibaba. With respect to swami, my feelings mostly have been around shutting off any negative thoughts that arose in my mind. Even when my wife ardently believed, i always had to try and make sure that my monkey mind did not think something bad. So, when i announced that i will read tapovanam in 2012, it came as a surprise to me as well. However, i kept postponing it until 2013 and for some reason, i finally had to pick the book and start reading it. The first few chapters were really a mental torture. I felt the author was too generous in his verses and somewhere my mind plus heart refused to give the same accord that they are used to towards shirdi sai baba. I wanted to give up and move away, but eventually decided to continue reading with one condition: Stop trying to question the statements and read them as if i were a true believer. This made my reading experience more tolerable and eventually i found peace and love in the love. My subsequent reading has been much smoother and in many ways i found correlation between shirdi and puttaparthi baba. Also, i came to realize that the physical frame of swami was a barrier for me all these days, as the ego within me would refuse to acknowledge a saint, who does not give importance to me, when he is physically around. This thought came to me when i was reading sai satcharithra and trying to see how i would read it, if baba were actually around at that time in his physical body. This is sad as it means that i love statues more than humans and there is a genuine attempt from me to rectify this: hopefully my 2014 ending blog will say i was able to make some progress?
I will end this blog with one more event that is very close to my heart: meditation. Since i was 16 or so, i have dabbled in meditation with very poor results. When i was 16, i read this book about meditation and tried to focus on the light of a burning candle. It flopped spectacularly and since then, every attempt was short lived. In 2012, i did go to chakra meditation, but again, doing meditation was always a chore. 2013 flipped that flag from meditation being dreaful to something to look forward to. My meditation stint at the zen center in milpitas was extremely helpful and again, it took patience and letting go of expectations for this to happen. Again, i want to clarify that i look forward to meditation sessions, but find it hard to do at home for some reason and the hope is that in my 2014 summary, i will able to write more on that.
Overall, 2013 was special to me and i will hopefully retain the outlook and perspective i gained in this year for many, many more years to come (and also build on top of that).
Let us sincerely pray that 2014 will be a good year for all of us.
Sairam!
