March:2014 summary

If february was the month of groping the dark and struggling to find the door to freedom, march was all about being inundated with the new found freedom and being overwhelmed by it. Like a bird freed from a familiar cage, flying into the blue sky with no limits and above all trying to make sense of the new found freedom makes you wonder if the familiar cage was a better companion than this new, unknown surroundings. Still, the heart has taken a decision and so, the mind has to make amends for it and find a way to live with it.

Goal indicators:
1) Being a vegan was hard, but i survived!
2) Donated money to a stranger with kids on the sidewalk.
3) Went to a park in mountain view with some friends, which i have never been to.
4) Went to baba temple early morning and participated in morning seva.

April goals:
1) Avoid rice.
2) Meditate in morning for a few minutes, not touching the smart phone before reaching office.
3) Visit a new place.
4) Do some charity.
5) Give a gift to someone.

Feb 2014 summary

Granted, the blog is late, but i hope i can retroactively feel what happened without giving out much of the later news. The month started with a terrible news of me losing a very valuable opportunity, that i thought was in my kitty and then lost hope gradually as nothing seemed to materialize for my new role aspirations. The frustration and anxiety increased throughout the month and 2010 seemed to linger back again, wondering if i will revert back to old ways? Luckily i did not and as i mentioned in the last month blog, i took the blame upon myself and was looking for ways to improve myself as well as maximizing on referrals through my contact support base. So, overall, even when things didn;t seem to go astray, i did not revert back, which is indeed a significant achievement.

Coming back to resolutions and their progress, here is the update:

a) Avoid coffee: Substitute with green tea + honey.[avoided coffee]

b) Continue with giving a gift to a dear one: gave it to a relative, with whom i shared interesting chemistry. 

c) See a new place: Went to yosemite with some friends.

d) Volunteer in a new place: No progress here. 

Resolutions for the month of the march:

a) Become a vegan: avoid all dairy and egg products. 

b) See a new place. 

c) Give a gift to someone. 

d) Go to saibaba temple for morning seva.

Jan 2014: Summary

January was an interesting month for me. It started with a lot of action and activity, but is ending with a bit of inactivity. So, it is kind of bitter-sweet or sweet-bitter experience, but to term it as a disappointing month would be unfair.

Life goes around in circles and events that have already occurred in life can occur again. What is the purpose, you may ask? And i say, to see if you can choose right answer this time. This has happened to me this time. The memories and events of 2010 unfolded again, with me being in touch with high level managers and their lofty promises, that i with an unsuspecting mind assumed will happen. And when they did not, i smiled away, cracked a few jokes with my colleagues, meditated a bit, played tennis and moved on, thanking god for making the decision for me. I believe that some times god optimizes your choices for you and in this case, he saved me the trouble of choosing. I'm proud,a little bit, that i have moved away from indignation and anger to a different plane of just laughing it off. The anxiety is still there about whether the other options will materialize, but still, the anger and resentment are no longer there. May be meditation does change people? I wish the anxiety and frustration go away with their other cousins, but i will patient with my changes, after all, transformation takes time. Thank you god is all i can say.

With respect to the resolutions, the progress has been good, but not great. Here is the report:

Avoid one food item: Went off well. I decided to leave carbonated drinks and i have stuck to my resolution. I used to have the belief that i need to have soda during the presentation, but it was not needed.

Express gratitude to one person each month: Decided to buy a chrome-cast to some close friends. we really like them and they are very sweet and gentle to us.

See one new place every month: I kinda of faked it, but perhaps i can consider this as done for this month. Went to Tahoe for a company visit and stayed at a ski resort lodge that i have never been to.

Volunteer once each month: Went to the morning seva at the local saibaba temple.

Write the blog at beginning of each month: DONE.

Alright, here come the resolutions for the next month:

a) Avoid coffee: Substitute with green tea + honey.

b) Continue with giving a gift to a dear one.

c) See a new place.

d) Volunteer in a new place.

2014 and resolutions

Welcome 2014! And yes, it was a great to welcome it in all the different ways, my heart would have wanted. Going to the temple and participating in the om namah shivaya chanting and then later enjoying with friends by playing taboo, pictionary and other crazy games...yes, 2014 opening scene was really awesome. Plus going to the temple on the new year's day braving the crowd and a 3 hour wait (that we never really felt), was all pretty awesome. But, now comes the interesting part: resolutions.

Each year, we expect new things and new beginnings, but are they really new? Or have we allowed us to fool ourselves into thinking that they are new, as we are oblivious to our past and too rigid to change our thought patterns? I'm thinking of using my new year resolutions to bring genuine changes in me or at least continue the good changes that have happened in the last year. So,  here is the list:

a) Avoid one food item that i like each month, obviously for health reasons. Some possible suspects are: coffee, coco-cola & soda, white rice et al.

b) Express gratitude to one person each month. These could be anyone, but preferably someone who you would not usually get a chance to do such.

c) Volunteer at least once each month.

d) See one new place every month. Not far, not close...it should not matter. You should visit a place you have not visited before.

e) Write a blog on the beginning weekend of each month. This should high light the previous month summary, any resolutions that were under taken, progress tracker for some daily ongoing resolutions (like meditation, pooja and spiritual book reading)  and anything else that you might find interesting.

Alright, this list is not final and will perhaps be edited in the coming days. But, this looks like a good start.  Other ideas are always welcome (incl. any apps that are being used). Please post them in the comments section.

Looking forward to a great 2014 for everyone.

2013 a summary

First of all, it is that time of the year, when you think back on how the year was and what worked and what not...you take the long road back to the past, watch each event as it unfolds and then suddenly realize that, whatever happened during the year was not some random events thrown by the whims of the gods, but some very calculated and well thought moves, that were clearly concealed in the short run, but would only be untangled from the distant future. Ah, i tried to tangle myself in words here, but in short, i simply want to thank 2013, for being 2013!

2013 will remain a special year for me. It is not because of what i got, but it is because of what was taken away from me. False pretenses, finickiness and the feeling of being "someone" special, all of them left me like the skin of the snake that peels away slowly, but gradually over time. And sometimes i saw the peeling process happen, but then it was jinxed and the maya engulfed me with even greater verocity. Even now, as i write, i fully understand that the feeling of being no-one but a servant of god is too good to last for eternity and even in a single blink of moment, all that is un-coveted will not only return, but also make me believe again that those are the things that i truly want. Thank you 2013, for making me stronger and not be swayed by things that i do not wish for and also thanks for removing the extraneous layers out of my skin, so that i can truly see what i yearn for: Love & devotion to god. Every thing else is redundant and is only to be peeled away slowly, hopefully in this life time and if not in the coming ones.

Enough of the peeling, i guess :-). I also want to thank 2013 for making things happen, if not right away, but surely in the course of time. These are small wishes that i yearned for (nothing big), but surely they did happen. One such wish was sky diving. At the beginning of the year, i took an impromptu decision of going to a sky diving arena and try my luck. My inner voice resisted me from making an appointment and after driving for an hour, i realize that i missed the sky diving session by a whisker. I laughed at my stupidity, but a few months later, my team plans a morale event at the same sky diving avenue and during the entire time, a sense of vindication and divine providence swept me over. Another example was around my tennis lessons. I told myself that i will resume my tennis practice at some point in the year and while i was thinking of the right time, one of my colleagues asks me to come and join him for tennis sessions. As i said, simple, small things that i coveted for and i got those wishes fulfilled.

Another important event this year was around bringing a closure to my relation with puttaparthy saibaba. With respect to swami, my feelings mostly have been around shutting off any negative thoughts that arose in my mind. Even when my wife ardently believed, i always had to try and make sure that my monkey mind did not think something bad. So, when i announced that i will read tapovanam in 2012, it came as a surprise to me as well. However, i kept postponing it until 2013 and for some reason, i finally had to pick the book and start reading it. The first few chapters were really a mental torture. I felt the author was too generous in his verses and somewhere my mind plus heart refused to give the same accord that they are used to towards shirdi sai baba. I wanted to give up and move away, but eventually decided to continue reading with one condition: Stop trying to question the statements and read them as if i were a true believer. This made my reading experience more tolerable and eventually i found peace and love in the love. My subsequent reading has been much smoother and in many ways i found correlation between shirdi and puttaparthi baba. Also, i came to realize that the physical frame of swami was a barrier for me all these days, as the ego within me would refuse to acknowledge a saint, who does not give importance to me, when he is physically around. This thought came to me when i was reading sai satcharithra and trying to see how i would read it, if baba were actually around at that time in his physical body. This is sad as it means that i love statues more than humans and there is a genuine attempt from me to rectify this: hopefully my 2014 ending blog will say i was able to make some progress?

I will end this blog with one more event that is very close to my heart: meditation. Since i was 16 or so, i have dabbled in meditation with very poor results. When i was 16, i read this book about meditation and tried to focus on the light of a burning candle. It flopped spectacularly and since then, every attempt was short lived. In 2012, i did go to chakra meditation, but again, doing meditation was always a chore. 2013 flipped that flag from meditation being dreaful to something to look forward to. My meditation stint at the zen center in milpitas was extremely helpful and again, it took patience and letting go of expectations for this to happen. Again, i want to clarify that i look forward to meditation sessions, but find it hard to do at home for some reason and the hope is that in my 2014 summary, i will able to write more on that.

Overall, 2013 was special to me and i will hopefully retain the outlook and perspective i gained in this year for many, many more years to come (and also build on top of that).

Let us sincerely pray that 2014 will be a good year for all of us.

Sairam!

To the holy mother

Mother, this blog is written by your son not after taking his daily ablutions or with a purified soul, but with an impure body and mind. But, i know mother, you care for my love and not for my piousness. I wonder if my love for you is real or is it just ephemeral, like everything else in my life. But, i do not need to be afraid, as being my mother, you truly love me, no matter how impious and immature, i might be!

I've had some exposure to master from my childhood, but i always felt nervous about reading on you. Somehow, my boyish ideas and my immature outlook made me fear that i may not always be able to give you the respect and love that you verily deserve. However, in a true motherly way, you decided to take that upon yourself and come in my visions. Those beautiful visions of you were truly amazing and in some ways, i miss them now, mother! Mother, why do you make play hide and seek with your son, when you and me know that, someday you will stop the game, come and bless me back with your visions.

I know, it took me a while to finish your biography and may be my attention was time lacking when going through, but hopefully my love never waned during those times. I just wanted to say a small prayer that your love and guidance are what makes me survive in this world and i hope that you will continue to remember this unworthy son of yours, who seems to not make his mind on anything and is lost in this sansara. Thank you for helping me finish the book and hopefully i can continue remembering you in my daily life.

Love.

An angel in my arms(part 2)

Happiness is not determined by the frequency of wonderful things happening to you, but only by the duration they last. My daughter, i hope that you engrain yourself with this message and be contented with your life. I might be lying to you if i said that after knowing that you were going to be with us, life was all rainbows and lilies.

After the first week of pregnancy, your mother suffered from terrible nausea. She could barely take down any food without throwing up and she was drained of all her energy. Your mother was slender at that time (not sure how she is now, since it is futuristic for me at this point) and it was doubly hard on her. Throughout the pregnancy, she had different kinds of pain, and why not? You were there inside her, growing every minute and sucking out energy from her. No doubt, mother nature prepares their bodies, but the feeling of another life growing within you and being accountable for that is definitely both unique and tiresome at the same point. Your mom used to tell me that delivery is like two births, one for the baby and one for the mom and i used to think she was exaggerating, what with modern technology and all? However, after being actually in one, it was no exaggeration and no matter, how advanced technology can become, pregnancy is never an easier job and perhaps that is the reason that mothers are placed even above god. I'm sure, you will understand it someday and ask me why i dwelled so much on the pain and not on the wonderfulness of being a mother. I'll perhaps do that as well at some point, but right now, it is time to be grateful to our mothers and if they are next to you, it is time to give them a big hug and a thank you. I must admit, i never thought so much about the trouble of my own mother until i started writing this, though, i believe, i was much easier on her, than u were on your mother (a point, which sadly, no one but me recognizes).

Let us not digress from the suffering. Your mom was suffering, but your dad was too, which was totally due to his own doing. You see, sometimes we think that we are in control of our lives and mentally we chart out the way things are supposed to happen and when they do not happen, we get furious and angry. We forget the fact that something wonderful just happened to us and we do not need to fret over little things. Why, dad, you may ask? My child, i somehow took you for granted, just like everything else that was wonderful in my life. Looking back, i know i stand guilty and perhaps it would best for me (and for all of us as well) to keep reminding ourselves of the wonderful things that are actually present in our life and give them their due importance than to worry about little things.

Another important lesson is to stop fretting things when they do not happen in accordance with our own written screenplay and simply wait for the divine screenplay to kick in. I've lost count of the number of times, i have invited my parents to come to USA. Every time, they rejected it and one fine day, my mom asked us to prepare their documentation. I was thinking that she was kidding with me, but she was actually serious. Your mom was ecstatic and in a matter of weeks, their visa was approved and their tickets were booked. And mind you, this was a few months before we knew you were going to be with us. And i do not need to tell you when they landed in USA, right? Yeah, you guessed it. They landed just in time for us to move to our new place and help us out.

I'm very sure that it would have been equally wonderful and amazing if they arrived at some other time, but it was perhaps a message from god to me to stop charting my own path and trust in divine providence. Also, who else could be better companions to share your happiness of being a father and a house owner? Daughter, do believe that there is a higher power that may not always do the things that you ask, but definitely does things that you need and does it in a fashion that blows your expectations away.

Of course, i do want to stress that this belief is not escapism or wishy washy thinking. I definitely did my job (imagine your mom said i did a good job!) and it was tiresome. But, tiresome as in a good way and that makes you feel happy at night. The first few weeks were fun as it gave us time as a family to do things. The excitement of unpacking boxes, moving things from one place to another and transforming a house to a home was amazing. A wonderful atmosphere, where all of us came together and pitched in as much as each of us could without needing to ask for help or feeling obliged to help.
To, me this is what defines family and i wouldn't trade for anyone else in the entire world.

Do not be discouraged if you don't share similar feelings, because it takes time. Rumor has it that i was a rebel, myself as a kid and i gave hard time to my parents. But, it eventually dawns upon you, the sacrifices and difficulties that your family and especially your parents take for you. And when you realize that, do not lose that, hold that firmly and be thankful. That is all i can say for now.